


there she is (isn't she everything?)

by kamalakhan



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: F/F, I mean, a lot of pining, basically a university au, but definitely stretching the definition of a university au, dumbass lesbians in love, i can't write serious things to save my life so this is basically just fluff, lectures are mentioned, the whole thing is Dumb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-08
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2019-08-20 19:33:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 22,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16561946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kamalakhan/pseuds/kamalakhan
Summary: self-proclaimed general disaster katya zamolodchikova develops a crush on her roommate and best friend, and maybe embarks on a journey of self discovery as she tries to get over it.





	1. operation thundergun express

**Author's Note:**

> can't quite believe i'm writing lesbian au fic about drag queens, but here we are lol
> 
> this is all written already, but it fits into chapters well so i'm splitting it up, but i'll be updating it once a week reliably, i promise.  
> i know this is really short but the other chapters will be longer this is more like an intro!!!
> 
> it's literally more than twice as long as the longest thing ive ever written before which was a school paper, which is vaguely scary.  
> hope you guys enjoy!!!!
> 
> also, the title is from the frank turner song '[there she is](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tc-rz2pFi9Q)', which is a beautiful song that i spent a lot of time listening to when i wrote this, so go listen to it!!!!

It is a truth universally acknowledged – or at least acknowledged by their group of friends, which is, to be fair, reasonably large – that Trixie and Katya come as a package deal. Even those very few of them that had known them before they met and became the weirdly in-tune double act they are now struggle to remember a time before they were Trixie-and-Katya. They had first been roommates at university before moving into a flat that was far too spacious for a pair of arts students to be able to pay for, by all rights. Katya insists whenever asked that the rent is much lower than would be expected as the family that had been living there before had been brutally murdered, and the locals feared that it was cursed. Trixie always says that this makes no sense as they live in the middle of a city and it’s a flat, not a haunted mansion in a creepy rural Midwestern town, you idiot, but she has to admit the stain on the carpet that they covered up with a rug looks a bit like blood. Their flat, possible former crime scene that it might be, quickly became the focal point for their friends to meet up as it is big enough to fit everyone in the same room for parties or movie nights or anything similar, and reasonably central. Katya tried to persuade everyone to call it Central Perk as people always said it made no sense that the characters in Friends could afford their apartments as well, but it was swiftly vetoed by, surprisingly, Violet and Trixie, a combination that didn’t often find themselves on the same side of an argument, as it made no sense since Central Perk was the goddamn café Katya, honestly, and none of us want to associate ourselves with Ross Geller, thank you very much. Katya agreed, begrudgingly, but insisted on setting her and Trixie’s names in the group chat to Monica and Rachel. It is a rare occurrence to not find at least one of their friends lounging around on their couches (one pristine and pastel pink, the other very obviously previously owned with a headache-inducing pattern but the comfiest sofa ever encountered) in the living room or raiding their fridge on any given day.

In reality, Trixie and Katya have only known each other for around three years, but in that time, they’ve become so close that they have become close friends with each other’s friends, and their friends have become friends with each other. One of Trixie’s oldest friends, Pearl, has even recently developed what Trixie and Katya consider to be a very obvious crush on one of Katya’s closest friends, Violet. Katya thinks it’s cute. Trixie talks a lot about it feeling incestuous, but Katya knows she’s not serious - Trixie’s a huge sap for romance. She’s also a huge sap for incest jokes.

For all that Trixie and Katya consider themselves to be love gurus where it comes to their friends, they live in blissful ignorance of the fact that their friends have an ongoing competition in a separate group chat to see who has the creepiest Trixie and Katya story. Kim had been leading for a solid month with the time Trixie had handed Katya a tissue before she sneezed, her lead narrowly snatched by Alaska’s story of when she asked Katya when Trixie would be home and she had told her the exact time it would take (5 minutes, 48 seconds). Shea almost clawed her way to the top with her story of the time she had asked both Trixie and Katya individually what they thought of the TV show The Good Place, and they had both answered exactly the same thing, word for word (“The premise is so interesting, but if they don’t end it after three or four seasons it’ll go downhill because it’s so plot-driven, you know?”), but lost the popular vote in the group chat by one vote - Sharon, which Shea still felt was unfair as she wasn’t exactly unbiased since Alaska was very insistent on remaining on top and also Sharon’s girlfriend. In the end, Alaska was beaten out by Shangela’s story of the time Trixie arrived at the flat with a new tube of paint in the exact shade Katya had run out of while painting earlier that morning, after she had been able to prove the pair had had no communication with each other during the day. 

Like any reasonably large group of friends, they are all in a main group chat, currently lovingly titled “katya zamo likes dinosaur dick” after an previous late-night in depth discussion on prehistoric biology, but there are also a large amount of offshoot groups with a smaller amount of people in, the largest by far of which being the creepy Trixie and Katya story chat, “the one where trixie and katya mindmeld”, because whether Trixie and Violet like it or not, the Friends thing kind of stuck, and also, for a bunch of queer arts students, a surprising amount of them are weirdly into Star Trek. There are other ones, like the “ooky spooky” group chat made for Sharon and her flat mate Alyssa’s Halloween flat party, for those of them that didn’t already have plans, or the group chat for the people studying Art & Art History, namely Katya, Sasha and Shea, but all these smaller groups serve a clear purpose, so when Katya creates a new group chat with the ambiguous title “SOS!!!!!!!!” and adds Alaska, Violet, Sasha and Ginger but not Trixie or any of the friends they had met through Trixie, it is out of the ordinary, to say the least. 

 **monica geller but make it wlw** created group chat ‘ **SOS!!!!!!!** ’

 **monica geller but make it wlw** added **dita von teese jr, ed sheeran, sssssneaky snake** and **the bald one** to the group

**monica geller but make it wlw, 01:50**

> ok so i know its super late but im freakign out can we have a crisis meeting tomorrow morning at 10

**the bald one, 1:50**

> Is everything okay? I have an elective 9-11 tomorrow but I can skip it if you need.

**sssssneaky snake, 1:51**

> i’m totlly free, can i bring sharon or is thsi o nthe dl
> 
> also sharon foudn thi sreally big rug outdide her flat tody so if yuo need to disppse of a body consider it fate

**dita von teese jr, 1:51**

> Are we killing someone or
> 
> Because for the record I’m happy to

**monica geller but make it wlw, 1:51**

> sasha dont miss yr lecture its okay! alaska pls tell me the rug is hideous we should put it in the living room to see trixie’s face lol also please dont take this the wrong way but
> 
> i want to keep this on a need 2 know basis so
> 
> vi the only person dying is me but we already knew that

**sssssneaky snake, 1:52**

> so no sharn, got itz 

**ed sheeran, 7:56**

> Hi Katya, I just saw this now, sorry! I’ll be over at 10. Ginger x

**monica geller but make it wlw, 8:34**

> coolio see u then folks xoxox

**the bald one, 9:01**

> Sorry I can’t be there, keep me posted!

 

* * *

 

 

Violet is the first to arrive, which isn’t surprising as Ginger is somehow constantly both late and always hurrying, and Alaska is, judging on the state of her texting at two in the morning the night before, in for a rough morning. Knowing that Trixie will have already left for her morning lecture and no doubt left the door unlocked, Violet allows herself the luxury of a dramatic entrance, opening the door with perhaps more force than strictly necessary. She follows the startled squawk her dramatic entrance causes toward the kitchen to find Katya sitting on the counter, both hands white-knuckling a cup of what smells like coffee. Her blonde bob, choppy and messy at the best of times, looks like the unholy hybrid baby of a bird’s nest and a fur ball. Her eye bags look more like suitcases. All in all, 

“Jesus girl, you look like shit.”

Katya nods pitifully, sniffs dejectedly. 

“I think I’m dying.”

Violet, well-versed on Katya’s general bullshit, rolls her eyes. Katya proclaiming things like that had long lost its effect. The last time she had decided she was close to death, she had woken up with an unexplainable wound on her arm that, despite Katya’s fatalistic insistences of cancer, had turned out to be a cigarette burn courtesy of a very drunk Sharon the night before that an equally drunk Katya had totally forgotten about. In the present, Katya is busy chugging her coffee like it is water. Violet wrinkles her nose.

“I’ll never understand how you can drink that stuff black.”

Katya wiggles her eyebrows somewhat manically. 

“It’s not black, Barbara,” she gestures to an empty can of Red Bull. Violet feels vaguely sick.

“You are a disgusting excuse for a human being,” Violet says in awe. 

“If it ain’t black don’t fix it, mama,” Katya says, seemingly to herself, although Violet would not be surprised if hallucinations had set in, “I call it a Yellow Russian. Because I’m Russian and Red Bull is yellow! But also because it makes you need to pee real bad.”

Before Violet gets a chance to tell Katya just how horrified she is at the concept that Katya had done this often enough to give it a name, a very hungover looking Alaska traipses into the kitchen, long blonde tresses tied in a messy bun roughly the size of a small child and black sunglasses firmly planted on her nose. 

“Katya, Yellow Russian me,” she manages to croak, letting out a satisfied hum as Katya wordlessly hands over her still half full mug. Violet watches in horrified fascination as Alaska proceeds to down the remainder of the concoction in one go. Katya has a faintly proud expression on her face. That coffee had definitely been hot enough to still be steaming. Alaska flounces back out of the kitchen in the direction of the living room, dropping the now empty mug in the sink as she goes. As if on cue, a loud knock signifies Ginger’s arrival. Katya jumps down from the counter to open the door to her and Trixie’s only friend polite enough to actually knock before letting themselves in to their flat and assembles the troops in the living room. 

“So, I’m sure you’re all wondering why I brought you here,” Katya starts off in her horror movie voice, prompting groans all around. 

“Katya, if this is about Halloween I am leaving right now, we’ve already agreed to have the sleepover the day after Halloween so we can still go to Sharon’s party!” 

Katya holds a finger up in the indignant Ginger’s face in protest. 

“This has nothing to do with the heinous decision to spit in the face of the grand tradition of the Rachel and Monica Halloween Fright Night Sleepover Fest. I’m serious! It is a matter of life and death!”

Sensing her friends losing interest, Katya plays her ultimate trump card. 

“It’s about my love life!”

Katya’s love life is best described as a barren wasteland, largely by choice. While she has nothing against relationships and commitment in general, she feels that, at least at this point in her life, it’s nothing for her. She’s at university, she’s living her best life getting laid whenever and with whoever she wants, and putting the unnecessary extra stress of a relationship on herself when she’s struggling with her own shit just doesn’t feel like it would be worth it just to have someone for regular sex. Katya has never once had a conversation about her love life of her own free will, until now, and as suspected, it manages to reclaim everyone’s attention. They sit in silence for a while, until Ginger breaks and asks. 

“Well? Don’t tell me you’ve started dating someone in secret you sneaky bitch!”

Katya, feeling very regal and once again in charge of the conversation, pauses dramatically to build tension. 

“I have- I think I have a crush on-“

 _Slam_.

“Hey babe, are you feeling any better yet? I know you missed your lecture earlier, Shea said she never saw you in class, so I got you some of that weird Russian stuff from the deli you like, I’m not surprised you didn’t make it to your lecture though, to be honest, you really weren’t looking well earlier when I left-“

Trixie finally pauses for breath as she barrels into the living room, paper bag in hand. Clearly surprised to see people other than Katya there, she hesitates in the doorway. Katya grins strangely at her, spreading her arms wide in some vague semblance of a wave. 

“Hi Trix!”

Trixie smiles, looking slightly nervous. 

“Hey everyone. What’s going on?”

Violet smirks, sensing a chance to embarrass her friend.

“Well, actually-“

Katya coughs nervously, interrupting Violet’s smug drawl before she can continue. 

“We’re planning costumes for Sharon’s party!” 

Katya practically yells awkwardly. Trixie narrows her eyes in suspicion, but hands her the paper bag. Violet and Ginger blink in surprise at her unexpected outburst. Alaska is using her dark sunglasses to hide her eyes as she rests them for just a second, she swears. 

“I’m going to head back on to campus, I need to meet with Kim to talk about the project, we’ve had a bit of an issue finding the right materials but I think we’ve finally worked it out, I just wanted to check up on you, but you’re clearly busy, so I’ll-“

“Sweet Jesus, girl, do you ever stop for breath?”

Ginger is very obviously joking, but Trixie is running on very little sleep and this whole situation had completely caught her off guard and she’s really not in the mood for any criticism right now. Her mouth is scrunching up in the way that Katya knows very well means danger, and sensing an impending fight and/or emotional breakdown, she jumps up from where she’s sitting and drags Trixie into the kitchen, away from prying eyes. 

 

* * *

 

She knows Trixie has been working hard and long on her and Kim’s project recently and she knows that Trixie’s emotions run a little wild when she’s tired or stressed, and right now, she’s definitely both. Katya can see her chin wobbling, and wastes no time dumping the paper bag on the kitchen counter and pulling her into a tight hug. Trixie, despite already being taller than most, practically never leaves the house without heels on, today being no exception and as Katya is short even in heels and currently wearing nothing but pink fluffy bed socks that had at some point definitely been Trixie’s, it is more than easy for her to tuck her head safely under Trixie’s chin. 

“Thanks for getting me some of that weird Russian stuff from the deli I like.”

Trixie sniffles, tries to say something but ends up getting a mouthful of Katya’s tumbleweed hair. Katya takes that as a sign to retreat from the hug, but Trixie senses her drawing back and squeezes harder for a few seconds. When she eventually manages to escape, Katya finds herself shaking out her arms - Trixie has a powerful grip. 

“Sorry, I just- really needed that right now.”

Trixie smiles, already looking a lot more mentally stable than before. Katya grins back, pulls that one face that never fails to make Trixie laugh, and sure enough, Trixie screams with laughter. After being assured that Katya will look after herself and make sure that she gets better and also make sure Alaska doesn’t drool onto the pink couch, Trixie leaves for the library and Katya returns to the living room to find Ginger and Violet coming close to blows and Alaska happily passed out between them. Katya really wishes she had better friends. 

“-just because you do things differently doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with how Pearl does it! God!”

Katya grins and makes a mental note to tell Trixie about the latest chapter in the unfolding epic romance that is Violet and Pearl. 

“What are we talking about, ladies?”

Violet and Ginger look embarrassed to have been caught fighting. Violet murmurs “Nothing.” while Ginger clears her throat meaningfully, ‘accidentally’ kicking Alaska awake as she does so. 

“Can we talk about your super-secret crush that you can’t tell your creepily co-dependent flat mate about now please? I can’t believe we get the great honor of knowing who it is before the almighty Trixie,” Ginger asks, trying to steer the conversation back on track. Violet gasps as she feels a moment of what truly feels like divine inspiration when she suddenly realizes what’s going on. 

“No way, you dumb bitch oh my God!”

Katya winces, but offers no defense.

“It’s Trixie, isn’t it? You finally realized your creepy Vulcan mindmeld thing!”

Ginger gasps and cackles, never one to shy away from gossip and drama. Alaska, looking far more put together than any human being that had definitely just been drooling on the couch had any right to be, is practically jumping on the sofa in excitement. Katya groans.

“I’m not that obvious, am I?”

Ginger snorts derisively.

“Girl, you’ve been practically drooling over Trixie ever since you met her! I still have the voice memos you sent me from your first day at university when you were having a meltdown because you wanted to fuck your new roommate-“

Violet gasps in mock-scandal, and Katya rolls her eyes in exasperation.

“That’s different, Ginger. Of course she’s hot, I’ve always known she was hot! But this is a new development!”

“So basically,” Alaska drawls, “you’ve always wanted to bang her but now you want to date her too?”

Katya’s brow furrows in confusion.

“No, who said anything about dating? It’s more like I’ve always thought Trixie was hot but in the beginning, I didn’t want to try anything because I thought it would be weird sharing a room if we banged, and then it would be weird because she was my best friend slash flat mate, plus she doesn’t like one night stands, so I kind of just forgot about it? But now, I can’t stop thinking about it?”

Katya opens her arms wide in a sad approximation of a ‘ta-da!’ gesture. Alaska is looking at her in disbelief, and Violet and Ginger both look like they want to throttle her. After a moment of silence, Alaska opens her mouth. 

“So what exactly is this crisis meeting about?”

Katya doesn’t understand what the others aren’t getting about the situation. 

“I need you guys to help me get over this- whatever it is, this crush, obviously!”

Violet looks like she’s about to bash Katya’s head in.

“And what exactly do you expect us to do about it?”

Katya groans loudly. 

“I don’t know! That’s why I’m asking you!”

Ginger finally takes pity on her. 

“Okay Katya, if you’re sure this is what you want, we’ll make a plan.”

Violet rolls her eyes. 

“I’m in, but only because you were desperate enough to actually start talking about your love life voluntarily.”

Alaska grins, always up for a scheme. 

“Let’s go, girls!”

 

Over the next few hours, the four of them and Sasha, joining them after her lecture, compile a list of steps for the future, all to be kept top secret from the rest of their friends, and above all, from Trixie. 

Operation ~~Get Katya Laid~~    ~~Help Katya Get Over Her Dumb Crush~~     ~~Get Katya A Halloween Date~~ Thundergun Express

1) Minimize alone time with Trixie (group sleepovers?)

2) Learn to start brushing hair and not dressing like a crazy person (Ginger)

3) Get on Tinder (Violet)

4) Meet new people (Sasha)

5) Go out clubbing and get laid (Alaska)

6) Find a date before Sharon’s Halloween party in a week!

 


	2. day one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks so much for all the nice comments and kudos omg!! 
> 
> i'm so glad people are actually reading this and enjoying it haha i feel like the more i read over it myself the less i like it lol
> 
> a quick note on the structure of this: if youre wondering why some of the text messages are further spaced than others, i'm trying to make it look like real texting where if a person doesn't reply for a while, there's automatically an extra space between the earlier messages and the new one!!!!! it's not all my dodgy formatting, i swear lmao
> 
> also this will hopefully not be an issue but i have exams coming up so i may forget to update on time but i promise to do my best and stick to weekly updates on fridays!!!!!!
> 
> i'm a bit short on time at the moment, but i am an absolute slut for stupid playlists so i might make one for this fic if anyone's interested? be warned though my taste in music is Dumb And Terrible
> 
> anyway hope u guys enjoy!!!!!!!! :)

As agreed with the War Council the day before, Violet shows up at Katya and Trixie’s door bright and early, despite it being a Saturday morning. Katya, unlike Trixie, is not someone who sleeps long, and Violet figures her arriving before Trixie wakes up is a good way to ensure she can fulfil her duties as obligatory third wheel. She has also made sure to mention to Pearl that she plans on being at the flat all day, hoping that she could somehow inadvertently distract Trixie, not to mention that she hasn’t seen Pearl in a while and would like to see her again. When she knocks on the door therefore, she is surprised to find a fresh-faced, sullen looking Trixie open the door. Violet has known Trixie for almost two years now, and it still surprises her how much she is able to alter her face with her makeup. Without her makeup her face is rounded and soft, with her makeup on everything is pointed and sharp. Sneaking a quick objective glance over Trixie’s pink nightie and kimono combo, Violet has to admit, she can understand Katya’s crush. While Violet is mature enough to admit she is sufficiently vain to mostly tend towards girls of her own slim, waif-like stature, there is something interestingly alluring about Trixie’s exaggerated curves, her thick thighs and almost waspish waist. Trixie clears her throat, and Violet smiles at her archly, caught staring but refusing to be apologetic.

“Hey Trixie, is Katya in?” 

Trixie snorts in amusement.

“You sound like you’re asking if you can take my daughter to prom. She’s in her room, she said something about naked yoga though so if I was you, I’d you knock first.” 

Violet nods and thanks her, moving past her towards Katya’s room.

“Have her back here for eight PM!” Trixie calls after her, clearly entertained by her own joke. Violet makes sure she sees her eye roll but can’t quite hide a smile as she heads down the corridor before hammering on Katya’s bedroom door.

 

* * *

 

 

“Put some clothes on and open up, you Russian whore!”

A wheezing laugh from the other side of the door tells her the Russian whore in question has heard her.

“Come in, you filthy slut!”

Bracing herself for the very real possibility of seeing Katya partially if not totally naked, Violet opens the door to find her sitting on her bed, very obviously clothed and looking antsy. Katya’s room, as usual, looks like a mixture of a brothel from the 1920s, a witch’s lair and a taxidermy shop. None of her furniture matches, even though the individual pieces are all quite nice and mostly antique. The only thing in the room that looks under at least several decades old is Katya’s huge king sized bed, which looks like a prison bed with metal bars running through the headboard. Violet has always suspected that Katya chose it for function over form, as she has definitely seen what appeared to her trained eye to be silk rope lying around in her room before. Violet raises an immaculate eyebrow. 

“Naked yoga?”

Katya gestures violently for Violet to come in and waits until she has closed her bedroom door and come to sit beside her on the bed until she replies, her eyes widening in intensity and urgency. 

“I panicked! I panicked! I thought I was safe because Trixie never usually gets up this early but she snuck up behind me when I was making breakfast in the kitchen! That sneaky bitch! Did you see what she was wearing? Did you see her legs? Did you see her _tits_?” 

Violet, good friend that she is, allows Katya to rant as long as she needs, humming in agreement. 

“She hugged me from behind and I _felt them_ , Violet! I felt her tits and it was a religious experience. I believe in God now! I had to escape!”

“So what did you do?”

Katya answers mumblingly, eyes cast down like a guilty schoolchild.

“I said I needed to do my morning stretches, but then she said I should teach her the moves so that she can join in, so I panicked and said I was going to do them naked.”

Sometimes, Violet wonders if calling Katya a disaster is being too harsh on actual disasters. 

“Wow.”

Katya looks as if she is wondering the same thing. Violet sighs, tries to get down to the reason she’s here. 

“Okay, so, pushing that whole clusterfuck aside for now, let’s welcome you to the current century, grandma.”

Katya rolls her eyes, but hands her phone over dutifully. Violet’s nimble fingers quickly unlock her phone and install the Tinder app.

“You know, for someone that lives and breathes casual sex, I can’t believe you’ve never tried Tinder before.”

Violet says thoughtfully as she sets up the beginnings of the profile. Katya shrugs.

“I’ve always preferred meeting people in person, I guess. Plus, Trixie used to use it and she said that like half the queer girls on there are just looking for someone to be in a threesome with them and their boyfriends which involves a lot more dick than I’m comfortable with, personally.”

Violet snorts.

“Well, she’s not wrong. But the other half is usually pretty hot. Here, I’m putting Katya as your name rather than Yekaterina but what do you want to put in your bio?”

Katya opens her mouth to speak, but Violet gets there first. 

“You are not allowed to quote any of your weird obscure films or series.”

“What? How will I meet my one true love if I can’t talk about beaches or dead dads?”

Violet fixes her with a glare that could melt steel. 

“Katya, you wouldn’t know your true love if she bit you in the ass.”

Katya wheezes with laughter. 

“And she would! She would! Kinky bitch!”

Violet laughs despite herself.

“I really do hate you, you dumb bitch.”

Katya bats her eyelashes at her exaggeratedly and grins. 

“Okay, since you’re apparently incapable of communicating without quoting terrible 90s movies, I’ll write your bio for you... there.”

Satisfied, Violet hands Katya her phone back for her approval. 

 

> _Katya, 22_  
>  4th year Art & Art History student  
>  Talk to me about yoga, John Waters movies and our Lesbian Jesus, Jodie Foster. 

Katya grins in approval. 

“It’s perfect. Can we leave it like that or do I have to add pictures?”

“If you don’t want to look like a weirdo, you do unfortunately have to add pictures of yourself.”

Violet hums as she sorts through the pictures and selfies Katya has on her phone.

“These are all a bit too _you_ for a dating profile.”

“Oh, thank you!”

Violet rolls her eyes and shows her a photo from last week when she and Trixie had gone to a drag show. Katya’s outfit vaguely resembles roadkill.

“The theme was drop dead gorgeous!”

Violet ignores her, scrolling her own phone for photos of Katya, but she can only find ones with both of them together. 

“I’m not letting you be one of those annoying people that only has group photos on their profile. What if they think you’re me? Think how disappointed they’d be when they actually met you!” 

Katya gasps in outrage and slaps her shoulder. 

“You rotted skank!”

They both collapse in giggles, before Violet starts typing on her phone. Katya leans over her shoulder to see what she’s doing. 

“I’m messaging the group chat if anyone has any good Tinder pics of you,” Violet explains offhandedly. Katya’s eyes bug.

“You can’t do that! What if Trixie sees it and figures out what’s going on?”

Violet looks at her. 

“I want you to stop for a second and think about what you just said.”

Katya lets out a deep breath, nods in agreement.

“No, you’re right. She wouldn’t be able to figure it all out just from that, she’s not psychic.”

Violet hesitates.

“You know, Trixie does seem to understand your weird brain a little too well, but I think we’re good here because this whole situation is very unlike you.” 

Katya looks vaguely confused but nods in agreement. 

 

**katya zamo loves dinosaur dick**

 

**dita von teese jr, 8:36**

 

> Hi sluts, does anyone have any Tinder-worthy pics of Katya? Finally introducing her to the joys of modern dating

read by: **rachel green but make it wlw, shea butter, the bald one, ed sheeran, sssssneaky snake, swamp witch, Miss Fame (the Brand), grunge baby, monica geller but make it wlw, maximilian, kimothy, sleepwalker**

 

**grunge baby, 8:36**

 

> party!!!!! i have loads of pics from last month but idk if theyre tinder worthy

**dita von teese jr, 8:37**

 

> I’ve seen them and she definitely has at least one tit out in most of them so it’s going to have to be a no

**shea butter, 8:37**

 

> Omg can’t believe Katya is getting Tinder! What happened to ‘I like meeting people face to face’?

**dita von teese jr, 8:37**

 

> Clearly the well hath dried up

**monica geller but make it wlw, 8:38**

 

> and by the well she means my pussy

**maximilian, 8:38**

 

> Charming.

**Miss Fame (the Brand), 8:39**

 

> I have some photos from when I persuaded Katya to let me do her makeup!

**Miss Fame (the Brand)** sent a **photo**

**dita von teese jr, 8:39**

 

> Perfect! Thanks babe x

**Miss Fame (the Brand), 8:39**

 

> No problem x

**sleepwalker, 8:40**

 

> I think I have a couple good ones but I’m coming over so I’ll just show you in person

**dita von teese jr, 8:40**

 

> Nice!

 

**rachel green but make it wlw, 8:53**

 

> here are some cute ones i have! :)

**rachel green but make it wlw** sent 6 photos

 

Violet snorts.

“Is Trixie still hung up on that big project she and Kim are doing? She looked like she was sulking when she let me in earlier and that text feels very passive aggressive.”

Katya blinks in confusion.

“How is it passive aggressive? She even sent a smiley face!” 

Violet rolls her eyes. 

“I can’t believe you’re under forty sometimes. She read the message I sent asking for photos and then didn’t reply for twenty minutes? And she never usually sends smiley faces, the smiley face makes it passive aggressive!”

Katya nods, clearly not understanding.

“I see.” 

She doesn’t.

“No, I don’t get it. Maybe she was just looking through her photos? Maybe she was distracted?”

“I honestly don’t understand how you’re able to be so in-synch with her in person but not via text. It’s like you think she’s a different person! Anyway, the pics she sent us are amazing so if we just see what Pearl has when she comes we can finish the profile.”

Katya flicks through the photos and finds herself unimpressed. 

“These photos are so bad! Look at this one, I’m bright red!”

Katya holds out the phone to Violet, the photo on screen. It had been taken after the one time Katya had been able to persuade Trixie to come to yoga class with her last year. Trixie had said afterwards that she felt self-conscious the whole time and decided she hated yoga with a passion, but had enjoyed seeing Katya in her element. It was after the class, and Katya was flushed and sweaty, grinning at the camera clearly in response to something Trixie had just said. Violet shook her head at her. 

“No, it’s so good! That photo is so hot, trust me. You know your smile is one of your best features and your muscles look amazing! Trixie really knows how to best appeal to the dykes.”

Katya is laughing at her own joke before she makes it. 

“Clearly it’s the dyke leading the dykes!”

Katya’s laughter proves infectious as Violet finds herself chuckling at what was at best a groan worthy joke. This somehow leads to an interesting discussion about self-perception and how the straight male and queer female gaze is different, which is eventually interrupted by a knock on the door and a slowly drawled

“Hey, Trixie says you guys are hiding out in here?”

Violet grins and goes to let Pearl in with a hug which Katya observes gleefully. Clearly Team Pearl and Violet is still going strong, she can’t wait to tell Trixie. Hit by a moment of inspiration, she snaps a quick photo of the still hugging pair and sends it to Trixie. 

 

**trixalicious** (rachel green but make it wlw)

 

**monica geller but make it wlw** sent a **photo**

**monica geller but make it wlw, 10:04**

 

> can’t believe our friends are being disgustingly in love with each other right in front of my good christian eyes!!!!!!

 

Before Trixie replies, Violet and Pearl both move to sit on the bed and Katya hastily mutes the chat, in case either of them catches on to her and Trixie’s matchmaking. Clearly, Katya is looking very guilty, as Violet raises an eyebrow in suspicion.

“Were you just texting Trixie?”

Pearl, who is both not aware of Operation Thundergun Express and close friends with Trixie, squints in confusion. Katya subtly elbows Violet in the side. 

“Which is totally fine and what you do all the time anyway, I don’t know why I asked.”

Clearly deciding she doesn’t care enough to get to the bottom of the weirdness, Pearl sighs and pulls her phone out. 

“Here, I have these of just Katya, and these of Trixie and Katya.”

Violet snorts. 

“Okay, well I can tell without looking at them that we don’t want any of Trixie and Katya.”

Pearl nods in agreement as Katya opens her mouth indignantly. 

“What’s wrong with me and Trixie?”

Violet gives her a withering look that she feels is totally undeserved. 

“You two literally look disgustingly in love in every photo ever. You’d look like one of those weirdos that puts photos of them and an ex on their profile.”

Katya splutters in outrage. Pearl looks bored. 

“We don’t-“

Violet shoves Pearl’s phone under her nose brusquely. In the photo on the screen, Trixie is grinning at the camera, wearing a pink Jason Voorhees outfit Katya remembered her wearing for last Halloween. Katya, however, is looking up at Trixie, their height difference almost gone with Katya in very high heels for her Frank N Furter outfit and Trixie for once in practical flats. Katya is smiling softly at her underneath all her makeup, looking at Trixie as if she hung the moon and stars. Looking at her own face looking at Trixie like that makes her stomach feel strange. She sighs in acceptance. 

“Okay, no photos of me and Trixie.”

Clearly unaware of the stomach ache she has just given Katya, Violet hums distantly in agreement and continues flicking through the photos Pearl has of just Katya. 

“This one is good, if we add this to the photos Trixie and Fame sent we’re all set!”

Pearl makes an absent noise of agreement and moves to get up from the bed. Violet blinks disappointedly.

“You’re leaving already?”

Pearl sighs. 

“Yeah, it’s been a while since I’ve talked to Trix, so...”

Deciding the lovebirds are sufficiently occupied, Katya sneaks a look at her phone to see if she has any messages from Trixie. 

 

**trixalicious** (rachel green but make it wlw)

 

**rachel green but make it wlw, 10:06**

 

> omg!!!! cant believe there is lesbianism occurring under our good christian roof!!!!!!!

 

**rachel green but make it wlw, 10:22**

 

> btw do u know how long the lesbians are lesbianing here? i was kind of hoping to chat with you this afternoon! :)

 

Katya frowns, unsettled by what Violet said earlier about smiley faces being passive aggressive. Was Trixie mad at her for not teaching her the yoga poses? Katya really wasn’t sure she felt confident enough in her skills as a teacher to actually teach someone how to do yoga. What if she taught Trixie to do it wrong and it messed up her back or something? Or if she tried something too complicated because Katya could do it and she tore a muscle or something?  What if Trixie never forgives her for hurting her during yoga and moves out and never talks to her again? What if Trixie does the yoga in leggings and a sports bra and Katya gets caught drooling and Trixie freaks out because her best friend is perving on her and moves out and never talks to her again? There were too many things that could go wrong. 

She feels bad about panicking and basically running out when she was talking to her earlier, but she also wants to know before engaging with her whether Trixie is upset with her or not. Trixie can be very patient with the people she cares about, but as Katya has learnt, dealing with Trixie when that patience runs out can be difficult. She mulls over what to do - she can’t show Violet to get her opinion of whether Trixie is mad at her because they were talking about her and Pearl and she can’t text anyone outside Operation Thundergun Express because otherwise she’d have to come up with a lie about why Trixie would be mad at her and she really hates lying. Just as Pearl says goodbye and Violet moves to hug her again, Katya screenshots the conversation, crops it to the relevant text and sends it to Alaska in a desperate bid for help. 

 

**laskieeeeeeee** (sssssneaky snake)

 

**monica geller but make it wlw** sent a **photo**

**monica geller but make it wlw, 10:31**

 

> does this seem passive aggressive to you????? vi made me paranoid

**sssssneaky snake, 10:31**

 

> idkkkkkk i dont really talk to trixie that often one on one so idk how she texts??????????
> 
> it feels a bit pointed but i wouldn’t say it’s like apocalypse now

**monica geller but make it wlw, 10:32**

 

> haha yeah i hope not
> 
> thanks anyway xox

**sssssneaky snake, 10:33**

 

> no worries xox
> 
> it’s probably just sexual frustration try banging her xox

**monica geller but make it wlw, 10:33**

 

> omg you’re so funny have you thought of trying to be a comedian

 

Katya rolls her eyes and throws the phone on to the bed, flopping back onto the mattress with her arms spread out. Feelings really are the worst, who thought they were a good idea?

 

* * *

 

Violet perches herself back on the bed, poised and somehow miraculously avoiding sitting on Katya who is taking up almost all of the space, now lying spreadeagled and staring up at the ceiling. 

“I can’t believe it’s taken three hours to sort your fucking Tinder profile, you really are the worst, Katya.”

Katya turns her head to see her and sticks her tongue out like the adult she is. 

“Still, at least I’m doing my job third wheeling you two dykes, huh.”

Katya blinks in surprise. She’d somehow forgotten the first step of Operation Thundergun Express: Minimize alone time with Trixie. 

“Here, your account is finished! Now let’s find some hot ladies for you to bang to forget about your embarrassing crush!”

“Oh wow, thanks Vi.”

After a quick readjustment, Katya and Violet lie down on Katya’s bed side by side as they examine the profiles. Unsurprisingly. Violet is a lot more picky than Katya, but they are able to agree on a few girls and Katya even gets some matches. Talking to people via text that she doesn’t know isn’t something Katya really enjoys, as she struggles to figure out people’s tone when she’s not communicating in person, and it doesn’t take her long to decide that it’s true for Tinder too. After a few uncomfortable conversations and some unanswered messages, she and Violet soon go from looking for potential dates and/or hookups to trying to find the weirdest profile possible, before they decide to change the age and gender filter and start looking for sugar daddies. It feels like no time has passed at all before it turns three in the afternoon and Violet suggests heading to a nearby café for lunch. Katya, who suddenly realizes she is painfully hungry and really wants to eat _now_ , agrees and they quickly pull on their shoes, grab their bags and head for the front door, where they run into Trixie leaving the kitchen with a hot cup of tea in one hand. She smiles at them but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. She looks tense.

“Hey guys, you heading out?”

Violet smiles back and nods, while Katya is racking her brain trying to figure out why Trixie seems so upset. Hadn’t Trixie said something yesterday about an issue with the project? But it had sounded like Trixie had already solved the problem yesterday…

“Yeah, we’re just going to get lunch and mess around on Katya’s Tinder. She’s very popular, clearly Russian trophy wives are in this season.”

Katya rolls her eyes at Violet before turning to Trixie.

“You and Pearl want to come along for lunch? We’re going to that vegan café you like making fun of!”

Trixie rolls her eyes at the thought. 

“Pearl already left and I’m not in the mood for spending a disgusting amount of money on the most basic white girl food ever but thanks for inviting me, mom. I already ate.”

Violet takes that as the end of the conversation and heads to the front door. Katya reaches for Trixie’s hand that isn’t clutching the hot mug, squeezes it quickly. 

“You okay?” She asks quietly, not wanting to draw Violet’s attention but wanting to make sure. Some of Trixie’s stiffness fades, her face softens slightly. 

“Yeah, Kat, I’m okay. Go eat your white girl food.”

Katya grins and squeezes her hand again before dropping it and racing after Violet. 

 

* * *

 

 

Violet and Katya spend the rest of the afternoon at the café trying to find a sugar daddy and debating whether sending foot pics for money is worth it or not. Violet, who likes to be in tight control of everything, doesn’t like the idea of photos of herself floating around the web beyond her control, even if there is no way to tell who is in the picture. Katya is always happy to make some extra cash but isn’t sure if her feet are hot enough. 

“What makes a foot hot? Who has hot feet? I’m an important woman with important feet related questions, Violet.”

Eventually, a very bored looking barista asks them to leave as they are trying to close, thank you ma’am, and they realize they’ve lost track of time again and it is already early evening. Violet decides to head home and they hug goodbye outside the café.

“Thanks for being my third wheel today, you whore.”

“Thanks for not showing me your bare feet in a crowded café for me to judge if they’re hot or not.”

They’re both chuckling as they pull apart. 

“Sorry Tinder didn’t work out.”

Katya flaps an arm in dismissal. 

“I basically knew it wouldn’t work anyway, it’s fine!”

Violet smiles at Katya, shaking her head. 

“I still can’t believe you think this is the best way to deal with your crush. I’m just waiting until one of you snaps and you fuck each other’s brains out!”

Katya groans.

“Can people stop saying that? Even if she was interested, Trixie deserves better than a quickie with her dumbass best friend, or even a friends with benefits thing because they don’t work! They never work out and everyone ends up hating each other and I couldn’t handle Trixie hating me! Trixie deserves better than having to deal with my shit!“

“Katya. Trixie may deserve better than some bullshit non-relationship but there is nothing about you or your shit that is undeserving of her. You’re a great person and a great friend and she already voluntarily deals with your shit all the time! She literally lives with you! Even if you don’t end up dating her or anything, she definitely loves you, we all do.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Katya brushes her off but Violet grabs her arm intently.

“I’m serious, Katya. You're loved, and you deserve to be loved. Don’t sell yourself short.”

Katya smiles at Violet softly, grabs her arm with the hand not being squeezed by Violet’s surprisingly tight grip, feels her voice crack embarrassingly with emotion as she replies. 

“Thanks, Vi.”

 

* * *

 

By the time Katya gets home it is already late and she goes straight to her room, faintly surprised that hasn't heard from Trixie all afternoon. Opening her texts, she suddenly remembers that she muted their chat earlier when they had been gossiping about Violet and Pearl. Trixie had asked to chat with her in the afternoon but Katya had totally forgotten about it - that must have been why she was upset with her earlier! Katya feels a sense of relief, happy to have cracked the case. Deciding to attempt to adhere to step one of Operation Thundergun Express, she texts Trixie rather than knock on her door to talk to her in person, even though it feels a bit strange.

 

**trixalicious** (rachel green but make it wlw)

 

**monica geller but make it wlw, 22:37**

 

> hey babe, are u still up???? what did you want to talk about?????

**rachel green but make it wlw, 22:38**

 

> hey i’m still up
> 
> it wasn’t really anything specific i just feel like i haven’t talked to you in a while

**monica geller but make it wlw, 22:38**

 

> we literally talk all the time!!!!!! do you want to watch a movie in the living room????

**rachel green but make it wlw, 22:40**

 

> oh no i’ve got pretty bad cramps so i’m just going to try to sleep i think

**monica geller but make it wlw, 22:40**

 

> :( do you want me to bring you anything?????
> 
> i can make you tea or bring you chocolate or something

 

**rachel green but make it wlw, 22:44**

 

> no thanks but thank you for the offer! :)

 

Katya breathes a sigh of relief, her own self sabotaging plan of watching a movie with Trixie prevented. Normally, Katya wouldn’t take no for an answer and would invade Trixie’s room and her personal space, snuggling up in bed beside or on top of her and telling stupid jokes and rambling until she had Trixie giggling and distracted from her cramps. Trixie and Katya are usually very touchy-feely and practically constantly draped all over each other, and Katya knows that she needs to avoid that right now if she ever wants to shake this crush but it’s not something she’s enjoying. Again, she feels a distinct feeling of wrongness when she texts Trixie,

 

**monica geller but make it wlw, 22:45**

 

> ok, hope you sleep well!!!! x

 

Ignoring her instincts telling her to go and comfort Trixie, she quickly washes her face, brushes her teeth and jumps into bed, determined to get some sleep before having to deal with the planned makeover tomorrow. Just before she drops off to sleep, it occurs to her how strange it is for Trixie to be having cramps now, when she usually has her period the same time as Katya, and Katya’s only just finished. As long as Katya has known and lived with Trixie, she has been as regular as clockwork, second week of every month, and they are well into the third week of October now. Feeling as if someone’s poured ice cold water into her veins, Katya snaps wide awake. She’s not sure why this bothers her as much as it does, but the thought of Trixie lying to her to avoid seeing her makes her feel sick. 


	3. day two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry this is late lmao after all the time i spent chatting about how i was going to keep to schedule lmaoooo
> 
> exams are really beating my ass rn and i've read through this chapter tooooo many times so i hope you like it a lot more than i do!!!!!
> 
> i changed the fic description but it's all the same otherwise, i just suck at summaries lol
> 
> also the katya makeover look is, of course, from [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hS0CYrbYvW4) episode of unhhhh lol
> 
> hope you enjoy!!!!!

Katya wakes up even earlier than usual, on edge about having to sit still for what was knowing Ginger most likely to be several hours while she does her hair and makeup, and feeling anxious about whatever situation she has gotten herself into with Trixie. Knowing herself well enough to know that today would be a lot more manageable both for her and anyone having to deal with her if she burnt off some of her energy before Ginger arrives, she scrambles into her running clothes and heads out for a quick run. The cool October morning air helps to clear her head and she arrives back at the flat feeling happy and worn out. Wandering into the kitchen for a glass of water, she finds Trixie wrapped up in her fuzzy dressing gown, clearly just having woken up. Katya suddenly feels very aware that she looks like a sweaty mess in her leggings and t-shirt.

“Morning Trixie, are you feeling better today?”

Clearly, she is still pretty asleep, Katya thinks, as Trixie just stares at her wide eyed. Seemingly snapping to her senses, Trixie swallows before replying.

“Yeah, I think so.”

Katya, still slightly out of breath, reaches around Trixie for a glass. Trixie must really be out of it, she thinks to herself as she hears Trixie gasp slightly and she stares, blushing, at Katya’s arm rooting behind Trixie’s hip for a clean glass. Clearly the cramps kept her up all night, she thinks guiltily as she pours herself a glass of water and chugs it gratefully. It was stupid of her to think Trixie would lie about being on her period to avoid talking to her. 

“Trixie, are you sure you’re okay?”

Katya leans closer, knowing Trixie is terrible at lying as soon as she makes eye contact. Trixie blushes even darker and fights to look away. Katya grins, knowing she’s caught her.

“I-“

Trixie is interrupted by a knock on the door signaling Ginger’s arrival. Noting Trixie’s confusion at the unexpected disturbance, Katya flashes her a guilty smile.

“I maybe told Ginger she could come over and give me a makeover.”

Trixie raised an eyebrow. 

“A makeover? _You?_ I thought we'd all given up hope on you by now,” she grins, fighting back laughter at her own joke.

Katya gasps in mock outrage.

“How dare you, Miss Mattel! I am a fashion forward young woman with a smoking hot bod who knows what she wants and how to get it!”

Trixie tilts her head back in a full-body laugh and Katya feels that weird ache in her stomach again, her smile wavering as Trixie gives her a teasing look from over the thick rims of the glasses only Katya is allowed to know she wears when she’s at home, fluttering her eyelashes flirtatiously.

“And what is it you want, Miss Zamolodchikova?”

Trixie's voice is comically breathy and even though Katya knows it's all a joke to Trixie, she feels her stomach twist for some reason. She gulps.

“In the words of 2012 Tumblr, all I want is for a girl to eat me out and feed me pizza.”

That has Trixie giggling again. 

“I think it’s ‘touch my butt and buy me pizza’ actually”

Katya rolls her eyes. What boring lives straight people must lead. By unspoken agreement, Trixie and Katya both move apart, Katya heading to the door to let Ginger in and Trixie retreating to her room to get ready for the day. 

 

* * *

 

Katya opens the door to a very disgruntled looking Ginger.

“It’s about time, girl, I’ve been waiting out here forever!”

Katya ushers her through to the living room and makes her wait again while she has a shower. Emerging from her room afterwards with wet hair and dressed in a baggy old tshirt and cycling shorts, Katya fully expects to find Ginger waiting on the sofa, furious. She is surprised therefore to find Ginger and Trixie in conversation when she enters the room. As neither of them appear to have spotted her, she decides to eavesdrop like the good friend she is. 

“Yeah it’s been really stressful, me and Kim are both super perfectionists so everything takes forever and it’s never good enough! But anyway, I feel really weird asking this but what’s going on with Katya? I feel like she’s being really weird lately.”

“Well, you know her, she just-“

“Do you know who she has a crush on?”

Katya feels her brain short circuit. _What?_ Ginger, luckily, is a trained actor and a very convincing liar.

“Katya have a crush? C’mon girl I thought you knew her better than that! Don’t you think Katya would have told you if she had a crush on someone?” Katya can feel herself holding her breath.

Trixie huffs an almost disappointed sounding laugh. 

“Yeah, yeah, you’re right. I just don’t know why she’s letting you and Violet do all this stuff that’s so not like her otherwise.”

Taking her as her cue to announce her arrival, Katya noisily stomps into the room and sits down between Trixie and Ginger, instinctively leaning back on Trixie’s shoulder and shifting to face Ginger. Trixie splutters and bats Katya’s wet hair out of her face. 

“What are we talking about, ladies?”

Katya felt Trixie shift guiltily behind her. 

“Nothing really. Just school stuff.”

Katya hums as Ginger narrows her eyes at Katya in suspicion. Knowing she’s been busted eavesdropping, Katya winks at her and smugly leans further into Trixie. She quickly realizes she’s miscalculated as Trixie automatically lifts her arms up and over Katya to make her more comfortable and then they’re basically cuddling on the sofa. Trixie’s so soft and for all that Katya had been worried about not being able to sit still enough earlier, she feels like she could happily just stay here forever, surrounded by Trixie’s warm arms and flowery perfume, and realizing that makes Katya feel tense and anxious. Ginger gives her a wide eyed look, stands up and tries to persuade Katya to follow her to Katya’s bedroom without using words. Ginger’s face is very expressive and leaves Katya in no doubt as to the vast amount of pain she will find herself in if she doesn’t hurry up. With a sigh, she pulls herself up and away from the sofa and Trixie. Katya gives Trixie a slightly strained smile and points awkwardly towards her room, where Ginger has already disappeared off to. Trixie’s face is unreadable, and suddenly Katya feels like maybe her fears yesterday weren’t that unfounded after all. She is used to being able to read Trixie like an open book, and the fact that Trixie can and is choosing to shut Katya out like this makes her feel uneasy and insecure.

“We’re just going to...”

Katya trails off and Trixie hums in acknowledgement, not making eye contact. Ginger, ever the embodiment of grace and decorum, huffs and practically stomps her foot in the corridor in impatience. Usually, Katya and Trixie would find Ginger’s tantrum very entertaining, desperately pretending not to laugh until they looked at each other and caved, but Trixie is still avoiding her gaze and isn’t even smiling. Katya feels vaguely sick. She nods, mostly to herself.

“Right, okay then.”

Trixie stays in the living room and Katya hears the TV before she closes the bedroom door behind her. Ginger is already unpacking what is in Katya’s opinion a scary amount of makeup and hair products.

“Okay, so Trixie is onto us,” Katya says, wringing her hands fretfully. Ginger doesn’t look up from what she’s doing as she replies,

“She figured it out but she doesn’t know that she’s figured it out. And even then, she doesn’t know _who_ it is you have a crush on. You’re fine.”

Katya struggles to share Ginger’s calm. Deciding she needs to regroup and figure out her next plan of action, she grabs her phone and scrolls through her messages to find the Operation Thundergun Express group chat. 

 

**monica geller but make it wlw** renamed group chat ‘ **operation thundergun express** ’

 

**monica geller but make it wlw, 10:57**

> ok so trixie figured out that i have a crush so i may have to move out

**the bald one, 10:57**

> She knows you like her?

**monica geller but make it wlw, 10:57**

> she said she thinks i have a crush on someone because ive been acting weird!!!!!!

**ed sheeran, 10:58**

> Hi guys, Trixie asked me who Katya had a crush on, and I told her Katya didn’t have a crush on anyone because she’s Katya, and she believed me. Ginger x

**dita von teese jr, 10:58**

> Do you and Trixie not find it exhausting to share the same individual braincell all the time
> 
> It sounds like Ginger saved you though I think you’re fine

**sssssneaky snake, 10:58**

> if they have the same brain does that mean that them banging would count as masturbating???????
> 
> the real question
> 
> sounds like we need to get you doing normal katya things again so i suggest you and i go out tomorrow night and find someone that’ll eat you out

**the bald one, 10:59**

> I agree, maybe try easing up on the stuff you wouldn’t normally do for a few days?

 

“Right. Sit down on the bed here so I can sit in the chair while I do your makeup because I cannot face standing that long,” Ginger says, grabbing Katya’s phone from her hand and putting it on the side table beside Katya’s bed. Katya sighs and dutifully sits down to let Ginger torture her for a depressingly long time. Katya had been afraid that it would take over an hour, and as it turns out, that was a very conservative estimate. They even have to stop for a lunch break, which Ginger forces Katya to have in her bedroom to avoid any contact with any mirrors or Trixie before everything is finished. When Katya is finally allowed to look in the mirror, she finds her face looks very different to the bold, slightly messy smoky black eyeshadow and bright red lipstick she usually does - her eyelids are pink and glittery, her lips are dark pink and her blonde bob has been straightened and lengthened with extensions, half pinned back in a beehive. She looks very different, but she has to admit, she looks good.

“Well? Whaddaya think?”

Katya grins. 

“I love it! I’m never going to be able to do this myself, though,” she says, still focused on her reflection, she is suddenly hit with an important question. 

“Why are we doing it now and not when I’m going out?”

Ginger shrugs, seemingly very nonchalant but Katya, who has known Ginger for a long time and knows all her tells, knows she’s hiding something.

“We just thought it would be a good idea to try switching up your aesthetic a bit before you go out?”

Katya gives her a flat eyed stare that lets her know in no uncertain terms that Ginger is absolutely full of shit and Katya knows it. Ginger chooses to ignore her, instead opening Katya’s closet like a woman on a mission.

“I know the perfect dress for this makeup, I know you still have it somewhere... Aha!”

Ginger emerges triumphant from the abyss of Katya’s closet, clutching a ruffled pink dress Katya had once bought on a whim and never worn. She has no idea how Ginger knows that the dress exists, as she has, to her knowledge, never even taken the tag off the dress. Ginger thrusts the dress into Katya’s arms and turns around so that Katya can get changed in private. Katya groans but does as commanded. Ginger’s grin when Katya turns around fully changed borders on evil.

“Perfect! C’mon, let’s go show Trixie,” Ginger says happily, practically dragging Katya to the living room where they had last seen her. Sure enough, Trixie is sitting on the shabby but comfortable couch curled up under a blanket watching what looks like Kitchen Nightmares, texting. Ginger positions Katya out of sight for her dramatic entrance and flounces into the living room, switching the TV off and forcing a disgruntled Trixie to pay attention before retreating far enough into the background to capture everything on video, for reasons unbeknownst to Katya. Katya, always a sucker for dramatics, starts dancing sultrily to imaginary music, sliding downwards sensually with her back pressed against the doorway, fanning herself with a red fan, straightens her legs and wiggles her ass before slowly bringing the rest of her body back upright. 

“Do I look fit for the ball, fairy godmother?” Katya drawls in a voice that vaguely resembles a gangster from the 20s.

 

* * *

 

Ginger, phone in hand, looks faintly annoyed and Katya feels certain she has already messed up Ginger’s careful hairstyling efforts. Trixie’s eyes are wide and she looks flushed. She opens her mouth but no sound comes out until she closes it again. Ginger now seems to be filming Trixie’s reaction, or lack of one. Katya blinks in disappointment.

“Trixie, are you okay? You look like you might have a fever,” Katya says worriedly. Ginger laughs.

“Yeah Trixie, what’s up? Cat got your tongue?” 

Katya moves to put the back of her hand against Trixie’s forehead but Trixie flinches back. Katya pulls her hand back, feels surprisingly hurt that Trixie won’t let her touch her. Trixie looks almost hurt, and Katya feels totally confused by the whole situation. 

“Trixie, are you oka-“

“I’m fine, sorry Katya, you look amazing!” Trixie smiles at her but Katya can tell it’s forced. Trixie’s eyes are begging Katya to just leave it alone, and Katya always finds it hard to say no to her. Katya moves to grab her hand but pauses, remembering how Trixie had just flinched away from her. Her hand hovers awkwardly in the air, and she lets it drop. 

Ginger clears her throat, and Katya suddenly remembers that they aren’t alone in the room.

“So how would you two feel about us all heading to that fancy new restaurant for dinner? My treat!” 

Ginger, the only of their friends already out of university and working, is always very magnanimous once payday comes. The fact that the only vegetarian thing Trixie can eat at the restaurant is the very budget-friendly salad is also a contributing factor. Katya, never one to pass up free food, is already nodding her agreement as Trixie shakes her head.

“I’m going to head over to Kim and Shea’s for a bit. But thanks, Ginger.”

Trixie gets up, neatly folding the blanket away and heading towards the door. She pauses in the doorway, turns around to look at Katya with a small but sincere smile and sad eyes that make Katya feel like someone’s punched her. 

“You really do look great, Katya.” 

 

* * *

 

Katya waits until she hears Trixie’s door close before she spins to face Ginger.

“What just happened?”

Ginger, looking faintly guilty, shrugs.

“No idea. Your gal has always been a drama queen, not that she’d ever admit it. Anyways, food?”

Katya agrees, but insists on checking on Trixie before she and Ginger leave. Once they’re both ready to leave, she sends Ginger to wait in the living room and knocks on Trixie’s door. The murmured sound of what Katya assumes is Trixie on the phone stops briefly before beginning again. Katya waits outside the closed door for a few minutes until it becomes apparent that Trixie is ignoring her.

Katya is feeling very stressed about the whole Operation Thundergun Express thing and she doesn’t handle stress well. She can’t help feeling like things are piling up on her and really doesn’t know what she’s done to have Trixie so upset with her and it’s starting to frustrate her. She knocks on the door again, before loudly informing Trixie that she’s going to let herself in if Trixie doesn’t open up soon. Usually, Katya will say stuff like this in a stupid accent and Trixie will already be laughing by the time she opens the door and all will be forgotten, but Katya can’t bring herself to joke around and none of this feels normal. Trixie cracks the door open slightly and Katya feels surprised to see the red rims around her eyes that indicate that Trixie’s been crying.

“What’s wrong? Did I do something?” 

Clearly, somehow, that was the wrong thing to say as Trixie’s mouth scrunches angrily as she throws the door open dramatically. Katya feels her temper rise, against her will.

“Can you just actually tell me so I don’t have to try and figure out by myself why you’ve been acting so weird lately? I don’t like having to walk on eggshells around you all the time.”

Trixie snorts in disbelief. 

“What, like I’m the one acting weird? As if you don’t know why I’m upset,” she says, practically sneering. Katya throws her arms up in disbelief.

“Trixie, I literally have no idea what you’re talking about! You’ve been acting weird ever since my friends came over a few days ago. Am I not allowed to have other friends, is that what this is? Are you jealous?”

There are definitely tears in Trixie’s eyes now.

“Fuck you, Katya,” she practically spits, anger written all over her features as she slams the door closed in front of her.

“That sounds like it went well,” comes Ginger’s dry southern drawl. Katya rubs the bridge of her nose between her fingers in frustration as she flips Ginger off without looking. She feels a tension headache coming on. Sighing, Katya motions toward the front door.

“Let’s just go,” she says, dejectedly.

 

* * *

 

Unsurprisingly, Katya does not prove to be great company at the restaurant, as she tries to cling on to her indignant anger to avoid having to deal with the guilt she can feel tugging at the corners of her insides. All in all, she is in a bad mood and nothing Ginger says or does - including springing for dessert - proves successful in dragging Katya out of her funk. Trixie and Katya very rarely fight, but when they do, they are both so dramatic that everyone in their friend group usually ends up involved, whether they like it or not. When Katya is busy sighing woefully into her cheesecake, Ginger attempts to surreptitiously fish her phone out from her handbag, not that Katya is paying any attention. 

 

**operation: makeover**

 

**ed sheeran, 19:03**

> Hey guys, Operation: Makeover didn’t go as planned, unfortunately. Trixie was definitely into it, but I think she’s figured out that we know that she likes Katya. Ginger x
> 
> PS T&K are fighting now, I’m not sure how serious the argument is.

**sssssneaky snake, 19:03**

> ginger you literally had one job!!!! make katya hot enough that trixie has to admit that she’s horny for her so they can finally start banging and we can all get on with our lives and start sorting out halloween costumes!!!!!! it’s not hard!!!!!!

**dita von teese jr, 19:03**

> This is incredible, I don’t know if I should be annoyed or impressed
> 
> How could things possibly go this badly wrong

**the bald one, 19:04**

> If they’re fighting, we may need to rethink things. I’ve just heard from Shea that Trixie is staying with her and Kim, apparently she’s pretty upset.

**ed sheeran, 19:05**

> Katya is having dinner with me but looks like a kicked puppy.

**sssssneaky snake, 19:06**

> we need a new game plan laid ease

 

Ginger only puts her phone down long enough to pay the bill, but Katya is clearly paying her no mind anyway. Soon enough, Katya decides to walk back to the flat - Ginger offers to call her an Uber, but Katya refuses, muttering something that sounds suspiciously like “I don’t deserve it”. Ginger rolls her eyes at the theatrics and waves her goodbye before calling herself an Uber. She could technically walk home, but she’s just been paid. She’s earned this Uber. Once she’s inside and on the way home, Ginger opens her messages again to see what she’s missed. 

 

**operation: makeover**

**dita von teese jr, 19:07**

> Alaska you’re queen of schemes, can you think of something to do?

**sssssneaky snake, 19:07**

> nothing riiiiiiiight now but ill keep thinking and let u know

 

**the bald one, 19:12**

> I hate to be a buzz kill, but it seems all we’ve managed to accomplish so far is make both of them miserable. Maybe we should try just doing what Katya asked us to do?

**dita von teese jr, 19:13**

> You definitely have a point Sasha, I just don’t know how much more of the pining I can take

**sssssneaky snake, 19:14**

> i say we go along with sasha’s plan until halloween, and then give it one last shot

 

**ed sheeran, 19:30**

> Hey guys, I agree with Alaska, I don’t think us getting involved is going to help things. Ginger x

**dita von teese jr, 19:31**

> Well clearly you getting involved hasn’t helped

**sssssneaky snake, 19:31**

> lets just agree that if they havent made up and started banging before sharons halloween party we lock them in a closet together

**the bald one, 19:32**

> This is all so middle school, we might as well get them playing spin the bottle!

**dita von teese jr, 19:32**

> Facts
> 
> God I feel like a straight man wanting two lesbians to bang
> 
> Digusting

 

Ginger’s Uber slows to a stop outside her building and she thanks the driver as she heads out. God help us all, she thinks to herself dryly. There really is nothing worse than a pair of useless lesbians. 

 

* * *

 

After traipsing home solemnly Katya digs through the freezer for the tub of salted caramel ice cream she and Trixie keep there for emergencies, feeling every bit an embarrassing white girl stereotype and she wraps herself in blankets and puts on an old season of the X-Files to try and distract herself from feeling miserably guilty with Gillian Anderson’s general hotness. As Mulder and Scully gaze soulfully into each other’s eyes for the seventeenth time that episode (Katya has been counting), Katya decides that she maybe has to face up to the fact that she may have let her anxiety get the better of her and she maybe definitely totally overreacted and was unnecessarily harsh on Trixie. Not that Trixie is an innocent in all this, of course. Trixie knows how much Katya hates it when her friends, or any people, keep things that are upsetting them secret from her when whatever it is clearly involves Katya. Katya hates putting people in positions where they feel uncomfortable or unable to confide in her and Trixie knows this, knows she can come to Katya with anything and Katya will not take offense, and yet she’s choosing to say nothing and leave Katya guessing and put her on edge and this train of thought is really not helping. Yes, Trixie is partly to blame but Katya is mature enough to admit that she definitely started this argument and she wants it finished as soon as possible, she decides. She’ll wait on the sofa for Trixie to come back and apologize to her right away, as there is no way Trixie is capable of making it to her room without waking Katya. Trixie may be many things, but quiet is not one of them. Katya falls asleep after the third episode, starts snoring after the fourth. When she wakes up in the morning, Trixie has still not come back to the flat. 


	4. day three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is late again i'm so sorry lol  
> this chapter is pretty short but stuff happens which is good!!!!  
> for this chapter in particular i'm a bit worried that the voices are off as i'm very british and i did my best to make it sound american but i'm not sure how successful i was haha apologies in advance if it's weird  
> i hope you guys are enjoying this tropiest of tropey fics, only two more chapters to go!!!!!

Katya wakes up the next morning with a crick in her neck from sleeping on the couch and a text from Shea on her phone from yesterday evening telling her that Trixie was staying the night at theirs and ‘might be back tomorrow’. Not what she had been hoping to wake up to, but she refuses to allow herself to wallow in self-pity, sadness anger or guilt any more than necessary. She has one lecture today but not until the early afternoon, so she loosens her neck and her aching leg muscles from sleeping scrunched up on the couch by stretching, before allowing herself a luxurious shower that goes on for far too long and as she lathers her hair with the lavender scented shampoo she had bought for far too much money from an organic produce place she can practically hear Trixie complaining about the water bill already. Trixie has naturally fair skin, she flushes so easily, and Katya can just imagine the redness on the apples of her round cheeks as she yells at Katya. It’s almost too easy for Katya to imagine Trixie flushing for other reasons, her pupils blowing wide, making her chestnut eyes almost appear black as Katya gently trails kisses down the column of her neck to the valley of her breasts, Trixie gasping beautifully and tilting her head back— just as Katya’s hand trails its way below her hips, the hot water runs out. Hissing at the sudden onslaught of freezing water, Katya takes it as divine intervention and waits until she is done with the shower and lies on her bed to finish herself off, resolutely daydreaming of tall statuesque blondes with sharp makeup and warm brown eyes that are Not Trixie Mattel Because That Would Be Weird. When she comes, she feels like she’s been punched in the chest. Operation Thundergun Express really needs to start actually working, and soon. 

 

* * *

 

 

Making it to her lecture just in time, she gratefully slides into the seat Sasha saved her, panting slightly. Sasha quirks an eyebrow in an expression somewhere between fond exasperation and genuine concern at Katya’s disheveled appearance. Sensing Sasha’s question before she asks it, Katya waves a hand at her dismissively.

“Me and Trixie had a fight last night but I’m fine,” she mumbles, mustering a smile she hopes is convincing.

Sitting on Sasha’s other side, Shea doesn’t quite snort indignantly but she comes pretty close. Katya risks a glance over at her to find her confidently ignoring both Katya and Sasha, looking far too attentive considering the lecture was, as they had all previously agreed, totally useless. _How To Be an Artist_ boils down into a bunch of self-indulgent horseshit about how everyone can make art and art is in the eye of the beholder, which are perfectly nice sentiments but absolutely not worthy of a university course. Shea appears to be taking notes - Katya can definitely see ‘all art = valid’ written in Shea’s notebook in her loopy cursive. As Sasha appears equally confused as to Shea’s bad mood and sudden interest in their endlessly droning lecturer, Katya can only assume that whatever problem Trixie has recently developed with Katya is contagious. Clearly Trixie has told Shea and presumably Kim about their fight and they have decided that Katya’s mysterious wrongdoings merit their anger as well. The concept of Trixie’s best friends knowing more about an argument she and Trixie had than she herself knows does not sit well with Katya, yet alone the thought of any of her friends siding against her. She fidgets nervously with a crumpled receipt she finds in her pocket, tearing it into ever smaller pieces until it looks like a pile of confetti, waiting for the lecturer to let them go so that she can talk to Shea. Finally, after what feels like a lifetime of waiting, the inevitable rustling of students packing up their things five minutes before the lecture ends to ensure they can be out the door as soon as the lecturer dismisses the class begins. Katya and Sasha, who hadn’t bothered unpacking in the first place, watch impassively as the lecturer desperately tries to reclaim the class’ attention for one last affirmation that everything can be art if you think it is. Shea, still looking unnaturally stiff and poised, carefully slides her notebook and pencil case into her bag. As soon as students start leaving she stands up, using the height advantage she has on both Sasha and Katya to avoid looking at them as she waits for them to leave. Frustrated with the dramatics, Katya leans around Sasha to tug on Shea’s sleeve. Shea, now forced to actually look at Katya, gives her an imperious look, looking carefully unbothered. 

“Can I help you?”

Katya sighs.

“Can we talk?” 

There is a distinct grumbling starting to come from the students trapped behind Shea, but Katya refuses to move until she gets a nod of confirmation. As Katya and Shea look for somewhere reasonably private to discuss what Katya feels sure will result in raised voices, Sasha trails behind looking worried. While she and Sasha have been close friends since high school, Shea had been Sasha’s roommate in first year, and much like herself and Trixie, Sasha and Shea had quickly become very close. So close in fact that Katya remembers being surprised that Shea moved in with Kim rather than Sasha, so Katya can’t really blame her for feeling conflicted. Shea is clearly currently very unimpressed with Katya’s behavior and seems fed up with the conversation before it has even begun.

“Look Katya, I’m not sure what your game is here but I think what you did was really shitty and I honestly never expected it from you,” Shea begins before Katya even has a chance to open her mouth. In the corner of her eye, Sasha looks as confused as she does.

“I’m assuming this is about Trixie but I literally don’t have a clue what you’re talking about!” Katya practically yells, frustrated. Honestly, if her friends could just tell her whatever terrible thing she’s done wrong, she’d find this whole situation a lot easier to deal with. Sasha shifts beside her.

“Shea, whatever you think Katya’s done-“Sasha’s carefully chosen words are interrupted as Shea shakes a finger at her.

“Listen, I don’t _think_ she’s done anything, I _know_ she’s done something and it’s upset my friend.”

Sasha, raising her hands in surrender, bows out of the conversation, almost literally. Katya flashes her a quick smile in gratitude for attempting to come to her defense.

“Look, Shea, you and Trixie both seem to be convinced I’ve done something horrible but I genuinely have no idea what I’ve done!”

But Shea is clearly done with this conversation, adjusting the shoulder strap on her bag, ready to push past Katya on her way out.

“Gaslighting really isn’t a cute look on you, Katya.”

Katya is literally lost for words as Shea walks out of the building like a model on a runway. Sasha winces, rubs at Katya’s forearm in sympathy.

“Am I in the goddamn Twilight Zone right now?”

Katya wonders if maybe this is some kind of Jekyll and Hyde situation, or an evil twin. Sasha gives her a compassionate but apologetic look that Katya realizes means that she’s about to go run after Shea.

“Sorry, Katya, I just need to-“

“It’s fine, just go,” Katya brushes her off, maybe a bit more brusque than necessary, sue her. With an apologetic stroke of her arm, Sasha hurries after Shea. Katya, feeling a bit abandoned, checks her phone to find texts from Alaska waiting.

**laskieeeeeeee** (sssssneaky snake)

**sssssneaky snake, 14:16**

> pleaseeeee tell me we’re still going out tonight i neeeeed to get drunk
> 
> sharon and i broke up and i think its for good this time
> 
> don’t want to deal with shit rn

**monica geller but make it wlw, 14:24**

> :-( let me know if you want to talk about it
> 
> tonight is definitely still on me and trixie had an argument last night and now she and shea are both convinced i’m the devil incarnate
> 
> which i am, to be fair

**sssssneaky snake, 14:24**

> can u blame them lol
> 
> ok come to mine for pres then, detox and and roxy are out tonight so i’m home alone

**monica geller but make it wlw, 14:24**

> sounds good! i’ll be over for 7

**sssssneaky snake, 14:24**

> ok see you then x

Feeling embarrassingly happy at the thought of being able to get blackout drunk and just let loose with one of her best friends, Katya heads back to her quiet, empty apartment that feels too big without Trixie’s larger-than-life presence.

 

* * *

 

 

By the time Sasha catches up with Shea, she is out of breath.

“Shea, wait a second, I need to talk to you about this,” she manages to pant, hoping most of Shea’s anger is aimed at Katya and not her. Judging by the look she gets in return, she’s on thin ice.

“Yeah?”

Sasha gulps.

“You’re mad at Katya for making fun of Trixie’s crush on her, yes?”

Shea rolls her eyes in a move that universally translated to ‘yeah, duh’. Sasha feels a stab of guilt at betraying Katya’s trust like this, but she has her best interests at heart when she explains,

“Katya has no idea Trixie has a crush on her, she’s not lying. The Tinder thing, the makeover, that was all our idea. Katya’s realized she has a crush on Trixie, and wants to get over it because she knows Trixie doesn’t do casual, so she asked us for help. And since we have eyes, we know that they’re both really into each other and so we’ve been trying to get them to fucking date already.” 

Shea narrows her eyes in thought.

“So the whole makeover thing was…”

“That was Violet’s idea, and Ginger agreed to help.”

Shea looks at her piercingly, knowing Sasha better than to think she would lie.

“Did Violet ever think about the fact that we’re not actually living in a rom-com?”

Sasha sighs.

“It was a sound enough plan, we’ve been struggling to think of things to do to help.”

“Who’s we?”

“Me, Violet, Alaska and Ginger.”

Shea nods, thinking.

“Okay, I’ll admit this makes more sense to me than Katya suddenly becoming a horrible person out of nowhere. What’s your next idea to get them together?”

Sasha blinks at the topic change.

“Well, our original plan was to get her a date for Sharon’s Halloween party, so we’ve agreed after last night’s fiasco that we’re all just going to do something drastic if they haven’t sorted it out by then.”

“You realize Halloween is in two days, right? Listen, me and Kim’ll help you guys, if you want. Just add us to the group chat, or whatever. I’m assuming there’s a group chat? Alaska will make a group chat for anything.”

Sasha smiles bemusedly, surprised but happy to be able to include her friend in this whole mess.

“Sure, I’ll get on it. I have to admit, I feel a bit childish doing all of this.”

Shea snorts derisively.

“This whole situation is childish. Both of them are so far up their own asses that they can’t tell they’re into each other! But hey,” she says, suddenly serious, “what’s your plan for making sure Katya doesn’t freak out at the thought of commitment and ditch her? Because I don’t want to set Trixie up for anything that will hurt her.”

 Sasha nods slowly.

“I’m not sure what we really _can_ do there. I’m pretty sure Katya thinks her crush is just something physical, you know Katya just sees relationships as a distraction and a burden, which is why she’s never bothered with them. We’ve just been hoping she’ll realize that relationships are worth the effort herself, but that hasn’t really worked out so far.”

When someone pushes their way past Sasha, they both realize they’ve been standing in the middle of the sidewalk for a while now. Shea offers her an arm for them to walk together.

“Do you want to go get a coffee and talk about this more, somewhere warm?”

Sasha grins, tucking her arm into the crook of Shea’s elbow.

“Definitely.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Relationships are the fucking _worst_ , man!”

Alaska is practically screaming in Katya’s ear to be heard over the music, and Katya isn’t really sure how to convey her sympathy so she buys Alaska and her a shot of tequila each instead. It burns on the way down and Alaska drags her back to the dancefloor before she even has a chance to bite down on the lime slice the hot butch bartender who had definitely been flirting with her earlier had given her. Katya doesn’t recognize the song, but it sounds like Lady Gaga and maybe the last shot was a bit too much because she can’t really focus her eyes right now but Alaska is grinding on her and yelling along to the song so she closes her eyes and focuses on the beat. It’s pulsing so loudly she can feel it in her feet as it makes the floor vibrate, flinging her arms around Alaska’s shoulders and bringing them closer together. Alaska’s hands fall to her hips and Katya grins at her, twisting to the music. She whoops as the music changes to the distinctive intro to Kate Bush’s Wuthering Heights, shaking Alaska loose as she does her best to recreate the bizarre interpretive dance moves from the music video, singing along like a strangled cat because nobody can hear her anyway over the speakers. Alaska mouths the words back at her, not quite stooping to Katya’s level of crazy dancing but definitely getting into the Kate Bush spirit.

After a few more songs, they move away from the dance floor and sit at the bar. Alaska looks drunk and tired enough to want to talk about her relationship problems, and as much as Katya loves and supports her, like she does all her friends, she really wishes she had more alcohol in her system. As if she’s read her mind, Hot Butch Bartender slides her a rum coke and winks at her, leaning on the bar in front of her.

“On the house.”

Katya gives her a heavy-lidded stare and smiles, a move she has perfected on nights like this, letting her know that she is both grateful and very much interested. Alaska, clearly unhappy with being ignored for this long, makes a whiny noise and starts talking as soon as Katya turns to look at her.

“So the argument I had with Sharon was just dumb, right, like all of our arguments. They’re just stupid but we’ve been having them all the time and I just said that maybe we should just end it,” she sniffs, and Katya feels wildly out of her depth. Drawing on her vast knowledge of relationships on TV shows, she clutches Alaska’s hand in sympathy as she replies.

“Isn’t it healthy to fight sometimes in a relationship?”

Alaska glares at her tearily.

“I _just said_ that we fight all the time! That’s not good, Katya, and she agreed with me. It fucking sucks, you know? I love her so much but we’re just not right together. God, it’s going to be so weird just being friends again, now.”

“Do you regret dating her? Now that you’ve ended things?”

Katya almost feels bad for asking, but she can’t suppress her morbid curiosity. Alaska shakes her head.

“No. I mean, I’m going to feel like shit for a while, and hopefully she will too or I’ll be offended, but I could never regret loving her. I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving her, at least a little bit. I can’t really imagine my life without her, now. Platonic or romantic, you know, there are people that are so important that they just stay with you always. I’ll always love her. Not to get all, like, Disney and shit, but there’s just something so fucking amazing about getting to share a relationship with someone, honestly, I don’t even know, like having someone put that trust in you, trust you with their fucking heart, man, it’s so crazy! Love changes who you are, you know. You’ll never be the same afterwards, even if you try and fight it. And you can’t help it either! I mean look at you, in love with Trixie! _You!_ ”

Katya sits on the barstool, too stunned to move or protest as Alaska grabs the rum coke Hot Butch Bartender had given her and downs it in one swallow before continuing.

“You and Trixie are so fuckin’ dumb, you know. You two were, like, made for each other, you just _work_ together, you know? And you’re obviously in love with each other, but you don’t do anything about it!”

Alaska is leaning forward now, grabs Katya’s forearms and stares into her eyes with a level of intensity only very drunk people can achieve. Katya squirms slightly under her gaze. Alaska is properly slurring her words now, but clearly has more important wisdom she needs to impart.

“Listen. I know you have that weird commitment phobia thing, but look at it this way. You and Trixie do everything together. You literally live together! You know each other so well that it’s creepy but you’re the only two that can’t see it! You’re literally already dating Trixie but not having sex, which is like the best part! Well, one of the best parts. There’s like, emotional intimacy and support and shit, which is all pretty cool too. You’re in love with your best friend, don’t you see how awesome that is?”

Katya just sits, frozen, processing everything Alaska has said, until Alaska motions sloppily to Hot Butch Bartender for more shots. Shaking herself out of her thoughts, Katya takes Alaska’s shot away from her and has both herself.

“I’m cutting you off!” She tells Alaska, who has stood up in protest and is wobbling dangerously. Alaska is in a pair of pretty ambitious heels considering she had been planning on getting wasted, and Katya grabs her side to help walk her outside the bar for some fresh air before she snaps an ankle, despite her protests.

Katya lights her cigarette practically the second they cross the bar’s doorstep, taking a long drag. She only smokes when she’s drunk, and although she’s only really feeling tipsy right now, she needs something to calm her down until the two shots hit her. She can’t stop thinking about what Alaska said to her in the bar, about love and relationships.

Alaska practically flops onto the bench, and Katya can tell she’s already struggling to keep her eyes open.

“I’m getting us an Uber back to my place, you can sleep in my bed with me.” Katya tells her, feeling exasperated but fond. As Alaska lays her head on her shoulder, Katya spares a moment of thought for Hot Butch Bartender, whose name she never even got. To be fair, having a person’s friend loudly and drunkenly proclaim that the person was in love with someone else is probably a bit of a turn off, she supposes.

“Hey Katya, I love you,” she slurs, leaning into her. Katya is suddenly full of white hot anger at the universe that her friend has to go through all this shit when she deserves so much better and there’s not even anyone she can blame for it.

“Love you too, Lasky,” Katya murmurs, leaning her head on Alaska’s and smiling softly. Alaska soon starts snoring, which ruins the mood a bit but Katya magnanimously lets her sleep until the Uber arrives.


	5. day four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me??? late again?????? ru never  
> exams are fully beating my ass so i'm sorry lol also i might be a bit late with the last chapter bc i'm not v happy with it so i'm going to go over it again and maybe change it!!!!  
> i'm expanding this to 7 chapters as well bc the last chapter is way longer than all the others otherwise so there's probably going to be a halloween party part 1 and 2 lmao
> 
> hope you guys enjoy another chapter of Useless Lesbians Spotting
> 
> also if you havent watched its always sunny youre missing out lmao

When Katya wakes up, she is wearing just an old tshirt and panties, hungover as shit, and spooning a snoring Alaska. Doing her best to let Alaska sleep, she carefully pulls her limbs out from under her and climbs out of bed, practically crawling to the drawer she and Trixie keep medicine in in the kitchen. After taking more painkillers than were probably strictly necessary, Katya hoists herself up to sit on the kitchen side while she scrolls through her phone to see what she’s missed – some banal chatter on the main group chat about the Halloween party tomorrow and the sleepover at Trixie and hers’ the day after, a message from Violet asking if she could borrow a locket necklace she had bought when they had been thrift shopping the other week as it would go perfectly with an outfit she was planning. Katya shoots off a quick affirmative before jumping down to start making coffee and debates trying to squeeze some stretches in while waiting for the coffee before deciding that the floor will be too cold on her bare legs. She starts in surprise when she hears the front door being unlocked, and pokes her head from the kitchen into the corridor to see Trixie dragging an overnight suitcase behind her, and Katya can’t believe she’s surprised to see that she packed a literal suitcase to go to stay at her friends’ place for one day after they’d fought because of course she did, she’s Trixie. Katya doesn’t realize she’s smiling until Trixie turns around and catches her staring.

“Hey,” Katya says softly, not sure if Trixie is still mad at her but feeling sentimental. Trixie’s tentative smile back gives her hope.

“Hey. I talked to Shea yesterday, and… I’m sorry, I guess, that I freaked out the other day. I was just, like, dealing with some stuff, and I kind of assumed the worst of you which you didn’t deserve so, yeah. I’m sorry.”

Katya steps out into the corridor and Trixie visibly double takes at how little Katya is wearing. Trixie has always been a bit of a prude when it comes to Katya for some reason, and it makes Katya smile to know that Trixie’s acting like normal again. Katya still has no idea what the whole thing has been about, but she feels happy enough to put it aside since Trixie’s actually talking to her again. She decides not to think about how pathetic that makes her sound. The idea that talking with Shea had somehow changed her mind confuses her as Shea had definitely seemed to have had her mind made up against her when she’d spoken to her yesterday. All in all, Katya was feeling confused but happy, if a little fragile from her hangover.

“It’s okay, Trix, I just wish you’d tell me what I did to upset you since I really don’t-“

Trixie waves her off, smiling, and grabs her in a hug that has Katya practically gasping for breath as she squeezes her.

“It’s fine, it’s all sorted now,” Trixie murmurs into Katya’s hair. Katya, much to her own embarrassment, tears up a bit. She blames it on the late night and residual alcohol in her system.

“You smell fucking awful,” Trixie tells her bluntly, and Katya grins.

“My beautiful, unique, natural aroma,” Katya says slowly, putting on a heavy Russian accent to make Trixie laugh, “is something I have spent years cultivating and I would appreciate it, Miss Mattel, if you wouldn’t insult it, thank you.”

Trixie has collapsed into giggles and Katya can't quite believe they’re back to normal this easily but she’s missed this more than she’s prepared to admit so she feels nothing but warmth.

“You know, at this point I wouldn’t even be surprised if cigarette smoke and alcohol really was your natural smell, you whore,” Trixie cackles, and Katya screeches with laughter. Trixie is looking at her with soft eyes, and Katya isn’t really sure why.

“Is there something on my face?”

“No, I just love you,” Trixie says, nonchalantly, as if she’s talking about the weather. And Katya knows she means it platonically, of course she does, but she can’t stop thinking about what Alaska said yesterday.

_You’re in love with your best friend, don’t you see how awesome that is?_

Katya feels sick suddenly and some of it must be showing in her face because Trixie’s smile falters and it instantly makes Katya feel so much worse. Before Katya can say anything, Katya’s bedroom door opens and Alaska stumbles out, looking absolutely awful.

“Hiiiiiiiiie,” she drawls, wandering over to lean on Katya. Alaska is taller even than Trixie, and she casually rests her chin on top of Katya’s head. Trixie is looking a lot frostier than just moments ago, and Katya really hopes it isn’t her fault.

“Hey Alaska, how are you holding up? I heard about you and Sharon,” Trixie asks in a tone which Katya suspects is meant to be sympathetic but comes across as almost patronizing. Trixie has never been very good at sincerity. Katya can feel Alaska’s jaw move as she replies,

“I’m doing okay, thanks.”

Clearly Alaska is not feeling up to much conversation right now, most likely due to what must be a truly miserable hangover, so Katya reaches behind her to pat at Alaska affectionately, reaching her forearm.

“There’s painkillers and coffee in the kitchen,” Katya tells her, still looking at Trixie who looks slightly like she’s swallowed a lemon. Alaska grunts in acknowledgement and heads off into the kitchen, where she yells,

“We didn’t fuck, Trixie, by the way!”

Trixie’s body language visibly loosens up and Katya’s eyes widen in realization.

“Oh my God you thought we fucked?” Trixie blushes embarrassedly and Katya knows she should leave it at that since she isn’t quite sure where she stands with Trixie right now but she can’t quite bring herself to, can’t get beyond the idea that anyone would think she would do something like that.

“I would never do that, that’s taking advantage of someone emotionally vulnerable! Not to mention drunk, Alaska was absolutely white girl wasted,” Katya stage whispers in mock confidentiality. She’s trying to make jokes about it but God, no wonder Trixie was looking upset with her. Trixie herself laughs nervously, while Alaska in the kitchen tells her to go fuck herself.

“I know you wouldn’t do that, Kat, sorry. I wasn’t thinking clearly,” Trixie says awkwardly, sounding very embarrassed. They smile at each other uneasily.

Clearly things aren’t quite back to normal between her and Trixie yet, but they’re both trying and that’s the important part.

 

* * *

 

 

Luckily for Katya, she has no lectures today and can nurse her hangover in peace. Trixie’s lectures are in the morning but Alaska stays with her for a few hours and they snuggle into a stupid amount of blankets on the couch and watch It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia on Netflix until she has to leave for a lecture around midday. Katya’s been sitting and mulling over Alaska’s words from last night for a while and just before she leaves she finally musters up the courage to ask,

“Did you mean what you said last night? About me being in love with Katya?”

Alaska winces.

“Did I say that?”

Alaska had been far from blackout drunk and they both know it. A staring contest ensues, until eventually Alaska caves and sighs.

“Yeah, okay, fine, you’re in love with her and it’s super obvious.”

“But I don’t-“

“Okay, answer these three questions: One, who do you spend all your time with? Two, who do you _want_ to spend all your time with? Three, when you hear a good joke or see something funny, who do you first talk about it with?”

Katya opens her mouth. Closes it again. Opens it. An indignant stutter finally makes its way past her lips as Alaska watches on smugly.

“That proves nothing!” Katya hisses, feeling like a cat somebody’s just thrown into a bathtub full of water.

Alaska, damn her, just gives her a knowing look.

“See you tomorrow for the party, bitch,” Alaska says. Katya suddenly realizes, grabs Alaska’s wrist before she can leave.

“If you want to fuck me you had your chance last night,” she drawls, not missing a beat. Katya rolls her eyes, used to Alaska using humor to deflect, which is something she herself definitely can’t relate to, of course.

“Alaska, are you sure you want to go?”

She smiles sadly, but nods.

“Me and Sharon need to get used to being friends. I think it’ll be good for us to do this.”

Katya squeezes her wrist in support.

“Whatever you say, girl,” she says, “I’m still prepared to boycott over the systematic erasure of the Rachel and Monica Halloween Fright Night Sleepover Fest. If you want, we can get ready together here before the party, and if you decide you don’t want to go after all, we can just stay in!“

Alaska gives her a grateful smile over her shoulder as she leaves.

 

* * *

 

 

Sasha texts her around midday, asking if she still wants to meet some new people as per the plan for Operation Thundergun Express; Sasha is involved in more queer arts groups than Katya can count and she offered to take her along to a session to introduce her to some potentially interested women. Katya decides she isn’t in the mood, but thanks Sasha for the offer. Really, she’s still feeling hungover and the couch is really comfy, it’s nothing to do with the hint of excitement that had been in Trixie’s voice when she left for lectures, talking about spending some time with her this afternoon. Definitely not, Katya says to herself as she wraps herself back up into her blankets, that’s a stupid thing to think.

 

* * *

 

 

By the time Trixie gets back from her lectures, Katya is so firmly nestled in the blankets on the couch that the only indication she’s there is a small tuft of her blonde hair sticking out just above her face, the only visible part of her body. Trixie laughs at the sight and snaps a quick photo for her snapchat story, earning herself a glare.

“It’s nice to know that my suffering is so entertaining to you, Tracy Martinez.”

Trixie is still giggling at the sight of her.

“I’m sorry, you just look like a clinically depressed Furby right now!”

Katya tilts her chin up imperiously, accidentally setting Trixie off again. After she fetches herself and Katya some leftovers and water to have for lunch, she settles beside her on the couch with a tray on her lap just as Danny DeVito starts foaming at the mouth.

“Oh God, Kat, do we have to watch It’s Always Sunny?”

Katya rolls her eyes.

“Yes! At least until you appreciate it for the art form it is.”

“There is a whole episode about pooping the bed. A whole episode, Yekaterina.”

“Oh yeah baby talk dirty to me, use my full name,” Katya whines in her valley girl voice, mentally thanking her Furby-shaped pile of blankets for shielding her side from the wrath of Trixie’s elbow as she lashes out. Katya pulls her arms out of her blanket cocoon and makes grabby hands for her plate and glass. Trixie gives her an unimpressed look but dutifully hands them over. Katya takes deep gulps of the cool water, not having realized how thirsty she was until now. She barely stops to breathe as she inhales her food with Trixie watching on, looking somehow both fond and disgusted.

“Don’t forget to come up for air, babe,” Trixie tells her, grimacing as Katya yells “That’s what she said!” around a mouth full of food. She snatches the remote from Katya’s lap when she’s distracted and switching the TV to Queer Eye. Katya rolls her eyes, they’ve definitely seen all of both series multiple times and there is no way Trixie isn’t going to be crying by the end of the episode.

“I can’t believe you’re such a stereotype, oh my God,” Katya crows in laughing judgement as fat tears start spilling from Trixie’s eyes barely halfway into the episode.

“Shut up,” Trixie pouts and sniffs, leaning on Katya’s blanketed side to hide herself. Clearly deciding that Katya makes a good pillow she shifts until she is draped almost entirely on top of her, head rested on Katya’s shoulder and her blonde curls tickling Katya’s cheek. Katya feels a surge of affection, feels it hit her like a wave crashing over her, drowning her and all it’s all she can do to lean back into Trixie and smile.

 

_You’re in love with your best friend, don’t you see how awesome that is?_

 

* * *

 

 

**sssssneaky snake** renamed group chat ‘ **operation: halloween** ’

**the bald one** added **shea butter** and **kimothy** to the group

**sssssneaky snake, 13:43**

> ????????

**shea butter, 13:44**

> Hi guys me and Kim heard about the matchmaking scheme and we want in!

**kimothy, 13:44**

> at this point i will literally do anything to get them to shut up and bang each other the way god intended

**dita von teese jr, 13:45**

> god ikr

**sssssneaky snake, 13:45**

> ok listen up laid ease heres the plan


	6. halloween

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof so i thought i lost this fic with my old laptop but turns out the cloud exists and i am on it! yay!   
> i've fallen a bit out of love with this fic but i want to prove to myself that i can complete a multichaptered fic on here bc i am useless so here is the final chapter! i was originally going to make the epilogue its own chapter but i decided its a bit small for that so u guys get two for the price of one lol it's been a wild ride guys, hope yall enjoy the end of it!

Katya wakes up feeling better than she has in what feels like forever but has realistically been less than a week. Trixie is talking to her again, her hangover is gone, today is Halloween and she’s more than prepared to give herself the next hangover tonight. For all that she had protested long and hard against the postponing of this year’s Rachel and Monica Halloween Fright Night Sleepover Fest, Sharon and her flat mate Alyssa always throw amazing parties, and she’s sure tonight will be no exception. Annoyingly, she has lectures all morning, but she and Trixie have to leave at the same time so they have breakfast together. It all feels very domestic, Trixie scrambling eggs on the stove while Katya makes coffee, and she can’t help remembering what Alaska had said about her and Trixie basically dating already. If this what dating someone feels like, she thinks to herself, watching Trixie come worryingly close to ruining the eggs, dressed in her impractical silk kimono and laughing at herself for accidentally dipping her sleeve in the mixture, maybe she can understand why people like it so much. She just feels so content, so happy just sitting and listening to Trixie sing under her breath as she carries the plates over to their small kitchen table. Katya’s always been a twitchy and jittery person and she overthinks everything too hard but Trixie is always patient with her when she needs it and she’s such a calming presence in her life that Katya’s honestly not sure where she’d be today without her. Trixie spins around with a plate in each hand to catch Katya staring. She smiles questioningly.

“What?”

Katya grins back at her.

“Nothing. D’you want to put up the decorations after lectures, so we don’t have to bother tomorrow?”

Trixie gives her a look at the obvious topic change but doesn’t push it, setting the plates down on the table and sitting down opposite Katya.

“Sure, that sounds fine! I’m going to need a few hours to get ready for the party though, so it can’t take that long,” she replies, shrugging, and Katya scoffs.

“Trix, you wear the same costume every year! What could possibly take that long?”

Trixie gives her a scathing look as she shovels scrambled egg into her mouth.

“I’m wearing something different this year, you bitch! Me and Kim are going as Daphne and Velma from Scooby Doo.”

Katya gapes in astonishment and cackles in delight.

“That’s so cool you goddamn whore I can’t believe you didn’t involve me!”

Trixie looks a bit sheepish.

“We came up with the idea when I was staying over with her and Shea, so… Plus, who would you even dress up as?”

“Scrappy Doo, obviously!”

They stare at each other, trying to make the other crack up first. Trixie breaks first, but it’s a close call as they sit giggling at each other stupidly.

“What about you, Katya, what’s your costume?”

“It’s a surprise,” Katya tells her loftily, the effect slightly spoilt by the scrambled egg at the corner of her mouth.

“Here,” Trixie leans forward with a napkin, wipes the Katya’s cheek. Katya, not expecting the move at all, freezes in surprise. Trixie blushes. “You had egg, on…” Katya laughs it off nervously and stands up to get ready for the day, bending and giving Trixie a loose hug in thanks for the food after dumping her plate in the sink on the way to her bedroom to get changed.

Before their first lecture, Shea takes her aside to say sorry for being harsh with her the other day. Katya had already forgiven her when she had apologized via text the day before, but appreciates the gesture as she settles in for a morning of tedious lectures. In the end, she spends most of the lectures texting Trixie, anyway, before Shea leans in and asks her teasingly why she’s smiling at the phone so much. As she scrabbles to hide who she’s been texting and stuff her phone back into her pocket, she thinks she sees Sasha elbow Shea out of the corner of her eye.

The rest of their lectures pass slowly but uneventfully and Katya is soon on her way back to the flat. Once there, she starts hanging the decorations they reuse every year because as much as they love Halloween, they’re still broke students before Trixie gets back, trying to avoid dealing with or thinking about the fact that there is a good chance that she, Yekaterina Petrovna Zamolodchikova, might be kind of in love with her best friend Trinity Mandrel. And sure, she’s known for a long time that she’s attracted to her sexually, because honestly, who isn’t, but there’s a big difference between wanting to fuck someone and wanting to date someone and Katya is starting to think that maybe she wants both and she’s not really sure how to handle that. She feels restless, is itching to go do something and let off some steam but her hands are tangled in fake cobwebs and she knows if she goes for a run now her mind will wander and she’s not certain she feels prepared for it right now. Trixie comes back to the flat just as Katya feels herself start to panic. Sensing instantly that something is wrong, she rushes to stroke Katya’s back and talk her through her breathing, calming her down until Katya feels like herself again. She tucks her head into the crook of Trixie’s neck in gratitude.

“Sorry,” Katya mutters, but Trixie just shushes her and hugs her tighter.

“It’s nothing to apologize for, babe. It happens to the best of us,” she says soothingly, and Katya knows instinctively that, in true Trixie fashion, ‘the best of us’ means her herself. Katya curses her traitorous body for feeling so safe in Trixie’s big arms. She sniffs, not really sure when the waterworks had started but feels the wetness on her eyelashes when she blinks.

“Thanks,” she says, and Trixie lets go, smiling at her warmly.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Katya shakes her head instantly, and Trixie takes it in stride.

“Okay, that’s fine. Do you want something to drink or to sit down for a bit?”

Katya knows she means well, but she isn’t in the mood to be treated like a fragile doll.

“I’m fine, Trix, really. Can you just come help me hang the spiders in the corner? I can’t reach.”

The rest of the decorating carries on as normal, with the pair of them messing around and making stupid puns and giggling madly, but Katya notices Trixie keep a more careful eye on her than usual. It makes something in her chest feel tight, and suddenly it really hits home for Katya just how much Trixie looks out for her. Katya looks over at her, and she’s trying to wrestle a flimsy cardboard skeleton to hang on the wall, carefully curled blonde hair half falling out of her sloppily tied ponytail, laughing hard enough to have her slightly crooked teeth on display. She’s in a strange position because the skeleton keeps flopping around, and she has a slight double chin. She looks perfect. Katya spins back around to focus on artfully arranging the selection of severed fingers on the coffee table. It feels less like a realization and more like acceptance, like some part of her has always known it but never deigned to tell the rest of her – she’s in love with Trixie.

Trixie leaves for Kim’s to get ready quickly after they deem their apartment suitably Halloween-y, and Katya waits excitedly for Alaska’s arrival. As soon as she hears the front door slam, Katya speeds into the corridor, half-dressed in her costume. She decided to go as Carrie this year, and as she doesn’t like doing things by halves, she’s wearing a pretty dress and crown, and is going to make Alaska pour a large amount of fake blood over her head while she stands in the bathtub. Alaska herself has been annoyingly vague so far when Katya’s asked her what her costume will be; all she knows is that it’s something to do with an alien, so when she sees that Alaska is painted blue from head to toe, she is surprised, to say the least.

“Oh my God, you look amazing you bitch!” Katya practically screams, as Alaska strikes a pose, grinning.

“What the fuck are you meant to be, girl in a pretty dress?” she asks, less than impressed with Katya’s choice.

“It’s funny you should ask…” Katya answers, dragging her by the hand into the bathroom.

 

By the time they are ready to go, Alaska has managed to talk Katya down from a literal bucket’s worth of fake blood to a few packets. She also manages to artfully drizzle it over Katya in a way that makes it actually look pretty good, and it looks good with her purposefully light and innocent looking makeup. They listen to the Halloween playlist that Katya has been perfecting for years now, sharing a bottle of wine and making each other laugh. After reassuring Katya for what feels like the twentieth time that yes, she still wants to go, and yes, she’ll be fine seeing Sharon again, a very tipsy Alaska gets annoyed and strolls out to find the Uber by herself, Katya fumbling to lock up behind her and having to sprint to catch up. The Uber driver is hesitant to let Katya sit in the car, with fake blood clumping her hair together and staining her pink satin dress, but she assures him that she won’t lean on anything. Alaska grumbles about it being her Uber rating at stake, but soon shuts up when Katya glares at her.

When they arrive, the party is already in full swing, even though they’re fairly early. They find Alyssa as soon as they get through the door, not that Alyssa is ever easy to miss. She ushers them into the living room and directs them towards the drinks, then points to the corner of the room where Violet, Pearl, Ginger and Sasha are sitting, looking to be in deep conversation. Leaving Alaska to make herself a drink, Katya heads over to where her friends are sitting. Violet looks as stunning as always, dressed as what Katya assumes is Morticia Addams, while Pearl looks like a Baroque countess in a powdered wig. Ginger has gone the horror makeup route, with impressive bloody SFX makeup all over her face and neck. Sasha’s outfit is as fashionable as ever, but Katya can’t quite figure out who she’s meant to be, which is what usually happens with Sasha’s Halloween outfits – all her references are too highbrow for Katya.

“Hey guys, you look amazing!” she yells, feeling the effects of the drinks she and Alaska have already had. Violet yells, “Come through, Carrie realness!” as she drops onto the couch next to Sasha.

“What are we talking about?”

Pearl smirks.

“We’re trying to figure out if Violet and Fame have coordinated outfits,” she drawls amusedly. Katya snorts at the idea of the ever-feminine Fame dressing as Gomez Addams, with his pencil mustache and bug eyes.

“Ginger says yes, I say no. Thoughts?”

Violet is doing her best to look exasperated but Katya can tell she’s secretly enjoying herself.

“I guess you’ll just have to wait and see,” Violet says aloofly. A sudden thought crosses Katya’s mind and she frowns. 

“Wait, why would you and Fame be coordinating outfits?”

This earnt her incredulous looks from all involved.

“Maybe because they’re dating?” Pearl asks in a tone that clearly implies what she’s saying is obvious. Katya gapes in disbelief.

“ _What?_ When did this happen?” Violet is looking at her like she’s grown a second head.

“I’ve been dating Fame for months, Katya, how the fuck did you not know we were dating?”

Alaska strolls over from the drinks table, a plastic cup in each hand and offers one to Katya who takes it gratefully.

“What’s up, guys?”

“Katya didn’t know Fame and Vi are dating,” Pearl helpfully calls, somehow still sounding uninterested in the conversation. Katya doesn’t know how she does it.

“Oh my God, Katya, you are like the least romantically aware person on the planet. There are microbes with a better understanding of relationship dynamics than you,” Alaska cackles, which Katya feels is undeserved.

“Hey, Trixie doesn’t know either! We thought you and Pearl had a thing going on!”

Pearl snorts disdainfully.

“She wishes,” she manages to get out before Violet shoves her shoulder in mock outrage.

“Bitch!”

Sasha gives her a calculating look that almost puts Katya on edge.

“Speaking of Trixie, is she not coming?”

“Oh no, she’s just coming with Kim and Shea, since she and Kim are coordinating costumes,” she explains, “I’m assuming they haven’t showed up yet?”

Sasha looks thoughtful, and Katya decides it’s as good a time as any to tell her friends about the journey of self-enlightenment she travelled today. Leaning toward Sasha to minimize the chance of anyone overhearing other than Alaska, who is standing behind the couch both she and Sasha are sitting on, Katya speaks louder than she normally would to be heard over the music.

“So I realized I’m in love with Trixie today,” she starts, and Sasha and Alaska both look violently shocked, which Katya takes moderate offense to. She’s not _that_ out of touch with her emotions.

Alaska practically squeals with delight, and Sasha gives her a fond smile.

“That’s so awesome! Have you kissed yet?” Alaska gasps, leans closer with a grin, “Have you _fucked_ yet?”

Katya gives her an incredulous look.

“I’m not going to force myself on her just because I want to date her, Alaska!”

Sasha leans forward and grabs Katya by both shoulders, looking into her eyes intently.

“Katya, please believe me when I say that that girl is _so_ unbelievably into you, it’s ridiculous.”

Katya scoffs in denial, but Alaska doesn’t let her get a word in.

“She practically creams her panties the second you look at her, Katya, we’re not kidding!”

 Sasha smiles at her encouragingly.

“Listen, what’s the worst that’ll happen? You ask her out, she says no, you stay friends, you move on. That is not what will happen, because she’s desperately in love with you, but if it did, it would not be bad.”

Sasha has known Katya long enough, knows her thought processes well enough to know Katya will latch on to the worst case scenario and run it through in her head enough times that even the simplest things seem insurmountable and not worth the risk, and she knows she’s right. The worst case scenario here is that Trixie and her just stay as they are now, and while Katya would prefer to be more, she values Trixie so much that she’d be more than fine with staying friends. She has nothing to lose here, and everything to gain.

Sasha looks into Katya’s eyes, and seems satisfied at what she sees there. Katya tries a sip of the drink Alaska brought her, only to spit it back out again.

“Alaska, this is like 75 percent vodka!”

Alaska shrugs, taking another sip from hers.

“I like it.”

Shaking her head in disbelief, Katya heads for the drinks table to pour herself something that doesn’t resemble paint thinner. Once there, she pauses to scope out the room. There are a lot of people that she doesn’t recognize, she can see Shangela, who she hasn’t spoken to in a while, and Gia, and the noisy one whose name she can never remember, who is definitely holding a joint. She hasn’t spotted Sharon yet, and wonders if she’s deliberately avoiding Alaska and the rest of them to avoid a scene, which she could definitely understand. For all that Alaska insists she’s feeling fine, nobody gets over a relationship that quickly and adding alcohol to the mix makes things even more risky. Someone’s put on the Monster Mash, and Katya grins. Nobody’s drunk enough to be dancing yet, but she mouths the words along with a grin. Deciding to head into the entrance corridor to try and catch Alyssa for a chat, she pauses when she spots two very tall girls standing in the doorstep, can’t quite hide her grin as she sees Trixie in a ginger wig. They both look gorgeous, naturally, and Shea is standing off to the side in conversation with Alyssa, looking unearthly beautiful in a white wig and contacts for what Katya assumed was a Storm costume. She wanders over to Trixie and Kim, who are both still standing awkwardly in the doorway and haven’t spotted her through the throng of people.

“Jinkies!” Katya yells, making Trixie jump and Kim snigger.

“You guys look awesome!”

Trixie’s confident grin tells Katya that she already knew that, but is grateful for the confirmation.

“Thanks, Katya, I love your costume too! Are you, like, a zombie prom queen?”

Katya opens her mouth to correct her, but Trixie gets there first.

“She’s Carrie, like the movie, you know,” she explains as they all three move through to the living room, “the girl who gets her period in the bathroom and then gets pig blood poured on her as a prank!”

Kim wrinkles her nose.

“Oh, gross. But yeah, that sounds familiar, actually. That’s such a cool idea!”

Katya smiles gratefully and points them toward where their other friends are still sitting, chatting. She grabs Trixie’s arm when she moves to go to the drink table, somehow mustering up the courage to ask,

“Hey, can we talk in private for a second?”

Trixie looks surprised, but nods in agreement. The whole apartment is full of people, but in the far end of the corridor the music is quiet enough for them to talk properly and they have enough space to not have to worry about being overheard. Katya steels herself with a deep breath.

“So, I’ve been acting weird this week,” Katya starts, making Trixie snort in agreement.

“Basically… Basically, I realized I had a crush on you.” Trixie’s eyes widen in surprise, and Katya hastily stumbles on with the story.

“I thought it was just something physical, you know, because that’s what I do, I do physical. I don’t do romance. So I decided I had to get over it, because I know you don’t do casual, which is totally fine and everything, you know, no judgement,” Katya realizes she’s rambling, and presses on, “so I asked Vi, Alaska, Ginger and Sasha to help me come up with a plan to get over it, you know, get over you, and we tried, but it wasn’t working for some reason, until I realized why.”

Trixie is staring at her, unblinking. Katya can’t tell what she’s feeling, and it’s more unsettling now than it’s ever been.

“Why?” Trixie asks, so quietly that Katya can barely hear her. Katya closes her eyes, hoping this will be easier to say if she doesn’t have to look into her soulful brown eyes.

“I don’t have a crush on you, Trixie. It’s more than that. I like you, I want to go out with you.”

Katya’s proclamation is met with silence, and she squints one eye open, not sure if she wants to see Trixie’s reaction. Trixie looks astonished, frozen in place. Katya feels like she might burst into tears, and she wants to blame it on the alcohol but she’s fairly certain she’d feel like that regardless. She can’t believe she let Sasha and Alaska talk her into doing this when it was clearly such a bad mistake. Unwilling to put herself through the humiliation of having to be let down gently by her best friend, Katya pushes past her and go somewhere, anywhere, just not _here_ , when she feels a hand grab her wrist and pull her back, spinning her around to face a very serious looking Trixie. Her eyes look wild.

“Are you sure about this, Katya? Are you sure you want to do this, because if this is all some ploy to get me in bed with you I’ll never forgive you, I need you to know that.”

Katya laughs, slightly manically.

“I’m so fucking sure, Trixie, you have no idea. I’m in lo-“

The rest of Katya’s sentence is lost, muffled by Trixie’s plush lips pressed firmly against hers. Clearly it is now Katya’s turn to be stationary with shock, her brain taking a few seconds to catch up before she kisses back desperately, reaching her arms up to loop them around Trixie’s neck and pull her in closer, tilting her head for a better angle. Trixie reaches a hand to twist her fingers into Katya’s hair, finds it clumped with the fake blood. Just then, Violet steps into the corridor to see if her girlfriend has arrived yet, and sees Daphne and Carrie enthusiastically making out. Violet being Violet, she screams in excitement, her throaty voice cracking,

_“Come through you fucking whores!”_

They pull apart quickly, but it’s already too late as a drunk looking Alaska stumbles into the corridor, followed by a curious looking Pearl and a hopeful Sasha. Kim and Shea are close behind, both with their phones out already. Trixie and Katya are standing too close to each other, Katya’s hair is messed up, Trixie’s wig is definitely off kilter and their lipsticks are smudged and it’s very obvious what they’ve been doing. Nobody says anything, until Shangela, standing in the crowd behind them, whoops and yells “About time!”. Suddenly everyone starts talking at once, and Katya feels a bit overwhelmed. One glance at Trixie confirms she’s feeling the same way. Katya opens her mouth to retaliate, but doesn’t really know what to say. Alyssa breaks up the commotion and quickly and easily disperses the crowd that had gathered, and everyone makes their way back into the living room.

Katya is holding Trixie’s hand and she can’t stop grinning like an idiot. Glancing over at Trixie, she seems to be in the same situation. Katya waits until she turns to look at her again before pulling her closer by her hand. Trixie is smiling down at her, eyes dancing in amusement, and Katya cranes her neck up to kiss her again, just because she can. She keeps it short this time, and when she pulls back, her heart feels so full that she wonders if it might burst.

“Hey,” Katya says, stupid grin firmly back in place. Trixie rests her hands on Katya’s hips, and Katya feels a thrill at the contact.

“Hey yourself,” Trixie replies, before she leans in to whisper in her ear, “I’m in love with you, too.”

 

In the end, the night of the party is cut short by a drunken shouting match between Sharon and Alaska, not that Trixie and Katya are that bothered. They offer to take Alaska home and she ends up passed out on Katya’s bed again, after Katya makes sure she drinks some water. She leaves painkillers and a glass of water on the bedside table, and wanders into the living room to find Trixie, barefaced, carefully pulling a ridiculous amount of bobby pins out of her scalp on the couch. Spotting Katya watching her, she beckons her closer, keeping her voice down.

“Is she asleep?”

“Yeah, she’s gonna be out for a while I think. She’s a deep sleeper, especially when she’s been drinking, so you can be as loud as you like. She could sleep through anything.”

It’s not until she sees how red Trixie is that she realizes exactly what she’s said.

“I didn’t mean-!”

Trixie can’t help giggling at the sight of Katya’s face, so sincere.

“It’s okay, honestly. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to test out how much she can sleep through,” Trixie says matter-of-factly, her bluntness making Katya double take, “but I don’t know about you but I’m really tired, and we have the sleepover tomorrow, so…”

Katya nods in agreement.

“Rain check on the noisy sex, got it,” she says, winking theatrically. Trixie’s laugh sounds almost surprised, as if she startled herself by laughing.

“Do you use that dirty talk with all the girls, or am I special?”

“Oh no, baby, this is for you only!”

They both cackle with laughter, and Katya washes her face and gets ready for bed while Trixie finishes up liberating her hair from its bobby pin prison. Katya emerges from the bathroom in a threadbare My Chemical Romance top, a remnant from her teenage years spent shopping at Hot Topic, and a pair of loose, garishly colored pajama shorts to find Trixie shaking her unusually flat hair loose, still in her tight purple dress from the Halloween party. It fits her curves perfectly, and Katya has no doubt she made it herself. Even though neither had had much to drink, they’re both clearly starting to feel the effects of the alcohol and Katya has to suppress a yawn as she follows Trixie into her unholy pink monstrosity of a room. She pauses on the threshold.

“Are you sure you want me in here? I can sleep on the couch if you want,” Katya offers before Trixie glares at her fiercely.

“Katya, we’ve been sharing beds for years.”

“I was just thinking…”

“Well don’t, we don’t want you to strain anything,” Trixie teases, grinning. Katya sighs dramatically, unable to suppress her smile as Trixie practically pushes her onto her unholy pink monstrosity of a bed. Katya has to throw four pillows on the floor to be able to find space to lie down, and she props herself up on her elbow to watch Trixie as she shimmies out of her dress.

“Y’know,” Trixie starts hesitantly, facing away from Katya as she pulls her Spanx down over her hips to step out of them, “I always figured you slept naked. I definitely remember seeing… more of you than I expected to a few times when we were roommates.”

Katya shrugs, laying down on her back and spreading her limbs into a star shape across the bed.

“I don’t always sleep naked, and I know you aren’t that comfortable with nudity, so…”

“What?” Trixie sounds incredulous, and Katya can feel her brain fizzle out as soon as she turns to look at her because Trixie is looking straight at her and she’s halfway through taking off her bra, supporting her breasts with one arm as she shrugs out of the shoulder straps. Trixie smirks as she notices her distraction.

“Katya, I don’t have any issues with nudity, what the fuck?” As if to prove a point, she lets her bra drop to the floor, hissing slightly as her breasts readjust to the lack of support. She’s kept eye contact with Katya the entire time, looking smug. Trixie knows exactly how good she looks, and Katya just hopes she can’t tell that Katya is literally salivating at the sight of her tits.

“I thought we were keeping tonight PG?” Katya is having to physically restrain herself from reaching to touch, and Trixie looks as if she can tell. Trixie winks at her playfully.

“Oh, we are. But seriously, why the fuck did you think I’m not comfortable being naked? Not all fat girls have body issues, you know,” Trixie jokes, but there’s a steeliness to her tone that lets Katya know to tread lightly.

“You just always freaked out when you saw me in underwear and stuff, so I figured-“

Trixie blushes in mortification, and Katya’s whole face lights up as she realizes what had really been going on. She sits up in the bed in excitement, cackling in disbelief.

“Oh my God, no way! You were just horny this whole time?”

Trixie avoids her eyes, crosses her arms over her bare chest in embarrassment, pouting, and Katya feels decidedly soft.

“Hey, I was totally into you right from when we met. I called Ginger the day we moved in to our dorm in first year to tell her about how hot my new roommate was until she got bored and hung up on me,” Katya tells her, and Trixie smiles reluctantly. She quickly pulls on a tank top and fixes her hair in a sloppy ponytail on top of her head before climbing into bed beside Katya.

They lie side by side, facing each other, and Katya, looking into Trixie’s eyes and seeing the happiness she feel reflected there, can’t resist the urge to sneak another small kiss. She brushes Trixie’s hair out of her eyes as she closes her eyes and settles into the soft mattress. Trixie snuggles closer, smiling softly but keeping her eyes closed, until she’s clinging to Katya like a very large koala. Katya wraps her arms around her and drops a kiss onto her bare shoulder as they drift off to sleep.

* * *

 

** the next day **

Word travels fast amongst their ridiculously gossipy friends and by the time people start arriving for the third annual Rachel and Monica Halloween Fright Night Sleepover Fest, everyone knows about Trixie and Katya’s change in relationship status. When Alaska had asked them earlier if they were now Officially A Couple, Katya had briefly panicked at the concept, but Trixie had just reached over and grabbed her hand, somehow sensing Katya needed it, and that simple gesture was enough for Katya to realize that everything was going to work out fine. She squeezed Trixie’s hand in gratitude, and grinned at Alaska, who took that as the confirmation it was intended as. She pulled them in for a congratulatory hug, before racing off to the bathroom to puke up whatever was left in her stomach. Her hangover was hitting pretty hard. Everyone keeps congratulating them and telling them that they’d known for years that it was going to happen, and everyone is having a good time and as Katya goes to fetch snacks from the kitchen it really hits her that this is happening. If she was in a musical, she’d start singing about love and happiness right about now, but she isn’t, and she can’t hold a tune to save her life so she settles for imagining it instead. Her heart swells as she wanders back into the living room and spots Trixie sitting crammed up beside Shea and Shangela on the couch, watching the TV intently. Trixie is softness and love, sharpness and loudness, big blonde hair and warm brown eyes and such a big heart. She is everything. Katya is pulled from her reverie by Trixie’s warm hand grabbing her wrist and gently tugging her until she’s sitting on her lap. Shea makes a disgusted sound at the pair of them, but has an unmistakably fond look in her eye as she turns back to the film. Katya leans back into Trixie, tries to make sure she doesn’t get in the way of her watching the film, but Trixie already seems more interested in her than the TV anyway, which makes her smile.

“Hey you,” she murmurs, lips brushing Katya’s cheek. Katya fights to suppress a shiver, but she suspects by Trixie’s smirk that she wasn’t quite successful. Katya grins back and, refusing to be outdone, ghosts her lips across the corner of Trixie’s mouth. Trixie’s eyes darken, and she leans in for a proper kiss, lips moving hypnotically across Katya’s until Ginger, who is sitting on the floor in front of them, declares that if want to bang each other on the couch, she’d rather they did it with less company present. Laughing, they apologize and agree to restrain themselves. Katya soon finds her eyes drooping and she leans her head into the crook of Trixie’s neck, feeling warm and sleepy. As she drops off to sleep in the warm arms of her girlfriend, surrounded by her friends, Katya smiles.


End file.
